Reality Island

[Jayusmagnus]

[Nom de Plume]

DESPERATE HOUSEHUSBANDS, CHAPTER 9 - PART 2

At Hakeedohn's House - The front bell rings and Brinna, who is now watching Hak goggle at them over the duct tape over this mouth, shrieks, jumps up and whacks Hak upside the head with "The Thinker" replica she is still clutching. Hak's head snaps to the side and then flops limply on his chest, blood slowly trickling down from his scalpline by his ear.

"Jesus in a Jumpsuit, Brinna!!! Stop hitting him or you're gonna kill him!" Lil' Miss hisses at her. She heads for the front door and peers through the peephole. Outside there is a smooth-faced man in sunglasses, a grey suit, black shirt and grey tie standing idly on the doorstep. Lil' Miss pulls open the door a fraction.
"What do you want?"
The man smiles and says, "You should be expecting me. I am Mr. Slick."
Lil' Miss throws the door opens and Jimmy Slick slides into the entry hall. After she closes the door and locks it, Lil' Miss heads for the den. Jimmy Slick clucks his tongue as he sees the well-duct-taped Hakeedohn in the chair.
"Well, give me a rundown of what happened," he sighs.
Lil' Miss gives him a brief synopsis of what has happened. Jimmy eyes "The Thinker" in Brinna hand, which causes her to blush and quickly hide it behind her. He then eyes Lil' Miss until she finishes.
"Fine. We have to establish your alibis in case witnesses remember you, clean the scene, and see about altering the memory of your victim here. The concussions you have administered may knock the memory out, but some drugs, a little judicious use of alcohol and the cops will assume he's just been binging. You two will need to knock a few more doors so that this isn't the last place anyone saw you. Well, let's get started. Brinna, get some towels. Lil' Miss go rinse that blouse out and toss it in the dryer, wherever that is. Move girls, clock's ticking!"

Jimmy Slick suits words to action by removing his coat and tie and rolling up the sleeves on his shirt and sliding on some surgical gloves. With his coat off, the shoulder-holster holding an automatic pistol is now visable. Slick takes a lock-back knife out of his pocket and starts cutting duct tape off Hak. Brinna returns with towels, still clutching her statuette. Lil' Miss returns shirtless, but Slick in professional mode doesn't give her a second glance. At least, not one she can see. Slick starts issuing more orders.

"Brinna, wipe down the furniture and anything else you two might have touched. Lil' Miss, help get this guy laid out untaped and undressed." Everyone gets busy. Suddenly, they hear the front door open.

"Hak, I scored multiple orders today!" a voice calls from the entry hall.

Brinna whirls around with a towel and "The Thinker" in her hand accidentally smacking Lil' Miss in the back with the statutte and then tripping and falling to her knees by Jimmy Slick who lets go of the now naked Hak to keep Brinna from continuing to fall by steadying her with his hands on her head. Lil' Miss, now the only one holding the naked Hak and unbalanced from the hit by Brinna falls down on top of the unconscious Hak.

Stepping into the room is a woman in a coral suit with a cream-colored blouse. Her hair and makeup are perfect but her eyes are wide as she takes in the scene. Her husband is naked on the floor with a woman clad in a bra and skirt straddling his chest, while a strange man in a black shirt and grey pants and wearing a GUN, no less, has his hands on the head of a woman kneeling in front of him. O My God, thinks Susie. Mother was right. Hak is a no-good bastard. Having an orgy in OUR den, while I'm out stuggling to earn a living for us. I'm leaving him. I won't wait a second. I'll call mother right now!

She reaches into her purse, still staring at the impossible scene. Out comes her hand with a cell phone.
Voice dripping with as much sarcasm as she can put into it, she says putting the phone to her ear,"I'm calling...", but she never finishes her sentence.
Moving with quick and efficent grace, Jimmy Slick's hand moves to his shoulder holster, pulls the silenced 9mm Glock from the quick-release harness and pumps three shots into Susie's chest. She collapses.

"Holy *@%$#*' Moses!" Lil' Miss screams. Hak roused by the thumping and the scream sits up, his face slamming into Lil' Miss's clevage.

"Well, Hot Damn!" Hak utters and grabs a double-handful of Lil' Miss's buttocks. Slick looks down at the suddenly conscious Hakeedohn, who has started rubbing his face gleefully into the shocked Lil' Miss's breasts saying "Who's your Daddy! Who's your Daddy!"

Jimmy Slick points his pistol at the top of Hak's head. "It's nice that you can leave on a happy note, Ace." And Slick fires a bullet into the top of Hak's head.

"Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew." Lil' Miss repeats as she wipes blood off her face. She stops looks at the pale-faced Brinna, still kneeling in front of Mr. Slick, and then up at the gun-holding man.
"You know," she says in an odd-tone, "I've had enough problems with my sexual identity with Ron Jeremy as a father. This little scene is going to *%$@ me up forever!" She starts giggling, a little hysterically. Jimmy Slick reholsters his pistol and chuckles.

"Who isn't *%$@ed up, Baby?" he asks. Then glancing down at the uncomprehending Brinna, he says "Looks like this clean-up is going to take quite a bit longer than anticipated. Ah well! Honey, get up off your knees. We have a big mess to deal with and you two need to get yourselves together. Move!"

Both girls hop up. Slick tells them to go to the bathroom and get the blood off Lil' Miss. After they leave, Slick pulls out his cell phone. He speed dials a number and holds up the phone.

"Yeah. This is Slick. Boost a cable company truck and get it over to Sandbar Avenue tonight. You can drive my car away. Do it soon. Later."

He puts away the cell phone and sighs heavily. Crap, he thinks, this is gonna take ALL NIGHT!

To be continued...
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"Writing is like prostitution. First you do it for the love of it, then you do it for a few friends,
and finally you do it for money." ~ Moliere

[Pepette]

...just
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[just bradley]

Um...best death scene ever.
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.
What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about???

[Her Grace]

I should've been the killer, tho...
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[Jayusmagnus]

[Her Grace]

K, when I stated above comment I was cranky because *someone* din't ever come around and visit at the Island.


No longer cranky, I've decided that comment overly harsh. I would never kill Hak or Susie, either!

Sorry, Hak, I will be kinder in future, mebbe.

Whomever wrote it is the real culprit, tho...



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[Nom de Plume]

To Recap:

The Desperate Househusbands are having difficulties.

Stilljustbrad is in a wheelchair (recouperating from an accident) and is living in terror of his dominating wife, Trulysapphire.

Jayusmagnus is at home, quietly lusting after his new yard-worker Pika, but also not quite ready to give up on wife, Bookie. Said wife is sure that Jayus is philandering and is watching for his possible lapse from her sister's house across the street.

Said sister, Darstar, is a direct-to-video dominatrix and Tim Horton coffee server. Married to another desperate househusband, Zoltan the Merciless, Darstar runs her little empire with a kind of chaotic energy. Zoltan, submissive star of many videos, we have yet to learn much about but wonder what he can possibly be like!
Phil has been caught up in this intrigue...and is not sure if he likes it or not.

Qbone, single father on the block, is off on a road-trip with recently dumped Matt. Qbone mission is to have some quality time away from the kids and get Matt a woman before he does something tragic. To accomplish this, they have left the children in the care of Rufus (who is no Mary Poppins), and driven off to wine country to meet Ruca and Princess Poopypants. Wine drinking is sure to ensue.

Across the way at the home of Hakeedohn and Susie, violence has arrived. Having had a crime go wrong, Brinna and Little Miss have called for a specialist, one Mr. Jimmy Slick (mysterious lover of yard-worker, Pika). Mr. Slick's solution to their dilemma has ended with Susie and Hakeedohn dead, and a need to clean up the evidence. There are sure to be questions asked, and asked, and asked.

Questions? Will Qbone and Matt get their corks popped? Will Jayusmagnus end up in the bushes with his yardwoker and then in a grave next to Hakeedohn because Bookie catches him? Will young Phil end up in the next Darstar video? Will stilljustbrad get out of his chair and find the woman of his dreams? How will Sandbar Avenue be rocked by the murder of Hakeedohn and Susie?
AND...what can the arrival of Her Grace at the Qbone residence mean????

Find out soon in -

Desperate Househusbands - Renewed!, RENEWED!!
_________________
"Writing is like prostitution. First you do it for the love of it, then you do it for a few friends,
and finally you do it for money." ~ Moliere

[Nom de Plume]

Desperate Househusbands Renewed-Renewed - Chapter 10 - A Boner in the Wine Country

Q-bone looked at Matt as they pulled into the Tinhorn Creek Winery. Finally! A couple hour drive had seemed like MONTHS!
But Q-bone was finally there and he wanted his wine. And a little wine-maid...heh, heh. He gazed at Matt for a second. And maybe this doofus can get his cork popped, or his label read, or his bottle chilled, or just have a conversation with a living woman for the love of swords! Well, enough of this, he thought.
"We're here, Matt! Let's get some wine!"
Matt shrugged. "Whatever."
Q-bone growled and got out of his van.

The boys walked into the wine-bar/tasting room and smelled the aroma of grapes that permeated the place. Q-Bone looked all over for Ruca and finally spotted her serving an older couple over in one corner.
"C'mon Matt, let's grab a table over near that corner."

Q-bone led Matt across the floor to the area that Ruca was currently serving wine in and grabbed a table immediately behind her. As they sat, Q-bone reached out and goosed the poor wine-maid who's back had been turned as she poured a nice Tinhorn Creek Pinot Noir, 2006. Ruca jumped. Wine splashed. A furious Ruca spun to confront her assailant.

"Why you....! Q-BIE!!" An outraged yell turned into a pleased squeal. Ruca jumped onto Q-bone's lap and planted a big kiss on square on his lips. Then, with a squeak, she jumped up again.
"Oh my! Oh, I am so sorry!" She apologized to the couple who were wiping up stray drops of wine from their table and their hands. The woman sniffed and the man smiled.
"Sweetheart, I don't blame your young man a bit. I have to admit, I wished I could have done that myself." The old man chuckled as he said it. The old women sniffed again, but her heart wasn't in it. She winked at Ruca and smiled at the old man.
"A few year's back and he would have too! He always was a wolf. But he's my wolf." Her smile broadened.
The old man smiled back.
"I've goosed you more than your fair share over the years, Agnes. What's say we skeedattle and go find someplace to walk in the moonlight tonight?" asked the old man. The old woman nodded and she winked again at Ruca as they prepared to depart.

Q-bone was blithely unaware of the conversation as he had picked up a wine menu and was lecturing Matt in the subtlities of the Gewürztraminer versus the Pinot Gris. Matt stared blankly back at him. When Ruca finally finished with the older couple, and turned back to the boys, Q-bone was ready.
"Sweetness, bring us a nice Gewürztraminer while we wait for you and your friend, okay? And sorry if I got you in trouble, but that outfit is a terrible temptation to a man." Q-bone grinned a most unrepentant grin.
Ruca giggled. She couldn't stay mad at that boyish rogue. And she knew how much he liked her wine-maid uniform.
"It's okay, Qbie. I'll run get the wine and while I'm there I'll bring back Princess to met you to!" She looked at Matt and then back at Q-bone. Q-bone made calming motions and prayed Matt would wake up just a little. Ruca retreated to the wine storage to get their bottle.
To be continued...
_________________
"Writing is like prostitution. First you do it for the love of it, then you do it for a few friends,
and finally you do it for money." ~ Moliere

[pika]

[Nom de Plume]

Desperate Househusbands Renewed-Renewed - Chapter 10, Part 2 - As the Sun Sets, Temperatures Rise.

Pika was disgusted. Oh, the pizza was fine. It had been delivered hot, fresh, and on time...by a pizza delivery girl! She had finally decided that she was gonna tip the pizza guy like he was in some porno-flick and she got a pizza-girl instead. This was all Jimmy's fault. Damn the man! Here she was, revved up, and horny as a three-balled goat and not a man around to scratch her itch!

Well, she was gonna straddle something powerful and ride it hard. It was a fine night for a ride on her Harley, even if she couldn't ride anything else. So Pika picked out a set of tight blue jeans, a t-shirt that read "Rebels do it with a yell!", and her leather jacket. Grabbing her keys she headed out with a chip on her shoulder looking for a way to let off steam.
She jumped on her bike and brought it roaring to life. Revving the throttle, she gunned the bike out of the parking lot.
Look out world, she thought. Pika is on the prowl.

Meanwhile back on Sandbar Avenue -

"BOOKIE!!!!" yelled Darstar. Bookie turned away from watching her house through the windows. She just knew if she kept it up, she'd catch that cheating bastard, Jaymags, in the act. Bookie hurried to the back of Darstar's house. The door to the "library" was open and she turned in there. The shelves of the library were where Darstar kept copies of all her "instructional" videos, and her awards and memorabilia. Which all meant that it looked something like a shrine to bondage with Darstar as the "goddess" of said shrine. The "goddess" was on the floor peeling back an eyelid on young Hottie Phil, who appeared to be unconscious on the floor. Blood oozed slowly from Phil's nostrils, but he was breathing.

"Holy Libris!" Bookie exclaimed. "Why did you coldcock him, Sis?"
"I didn't do anything!" Darstar muttered. "The boy stepped into the library, turned a pasty-white colour and passed out on me."
"Well, he is out cold. I hope he didn't hurt himself falling down. Concussions are nasty things. We might need to get him to the hospital. In fact, I'll go get the truck and bring it up front. We'll get him to the emergency room right away. He's too pretty not to take care of." Bookie grinned.
"Don't just stand there like a goose then! Go get the truck! Zoltan may work lots of hours, but he certainly won't be gone forever and will worry if I'm not here to beat him when he gets home!" Darstar laughed.

Bookie started for the door.

Next door at the Q-bone residence-

The door-bell rang. Rufus glared up the stairs. "If I don't hear some teeth-brushing in mere seconds, someones are going to have extra helpings of Spinch Lasagne! Now, who is at the door?"

Rufus threw open the door to see a perfectly coifed and made-up Her Grace on the step.
"Gracie!" Rufus cried in a pleased voice. "Wait. What are you doing here?"
"Rufus! It's a crisis!" Her Grace exclaimed as she strode into the house. "Missy is coming to town!"
"Crackwhoredouchebag!" Rufus blurted out.
"I KNOW!" agreed Her Grace.
"We have to plan for this," Rufus began. "We have to have the plans in order, the ducks in a row, the foundation laid, the bricks ready to throw..."
"Exactly. And we need to get on this immediately. According to my sources, she arrives tomorrow." Her Grace supplied.
"Then let's get started," Rufus said with a glint in her eye.

Meanwhile at Jayusmagnus' house -

Jaymags looked forlornly at the empty house. Bookie was late again. Well, he wasn't waiting dinner again. He felt frustrated and lonely. He needed a night out. Even if Bookie gave him hell, he needed to get out of the house and be a man for awhile. Maybe he could go down to the sportsbar, have some wings and catch a hockey game. He certainly couldn't bear to wait around the house all evening while Bookie had some library emergency or had beers with her sister or whatever kept her so busy all the time.

He thought about the hot gardener he'd stared at all morning. Maybe he'd see some hot chicks like her at the sportsbar. Maybe he could go to Hooters!
No. If Bookie found out he'd gone to Hooters, she'd really let him have it. Best just to go to the nearest sportsbar and hope there might be some cuties to look at while watching hockey. Best all the way around. Jaymags went to find his keys and jacket.

To be continued.....
_________________
"Writing is like prostitution. First you do it for the love of it, then you do it for a few friends,
and finally you do it for money." ~ Moliere

[pika]

Really great chapter!! I'd have to quote practically all of it to point out my favorite parts so I won't do that.

[Jayusmagnus]

Heh. Hooters. I haven't been to a Hooters in 15 years. And the last time I went to a sportsbar, I had the whole family with me!

Also, Hey...Nom! I'm not loving the nickname. Jaymags make me sound like a set of racing tires.
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