America's Got Talent, July 20: At Last, the Judges Decide by Tyler Sandersfeld -- 07/21/2006 As if last week's results show wasn't filler-filled enough, we have a full hour's worth of worthlessness this week. Although Tyler and the Foxes on Idol judging panel disagreed on many of the acts, they agreed on the absolute best. Is this article's title a cryptic clue or just a red herring? Who actually does make it to the finale? What does Tyler think of this finale? And what does a charting artist named after a toy bear and a particle detector (right) have to do with anything? Click to find out. Here we go, ladies, gentlemen, and stripping chimps. At some point within this hour of whatever, we will find out which two acts have made the million-dollar finale. By the way Regis keeps saying it, it sounds like we'll see the eight finalists one night, then the champion is announced the next night. Does that sound right to you? This means we are giving ten thousand Benjamins to someone we've seen three times at most. We've seen the final ten on So You Think You Can Dance perform three times just Wednesday night. And they have at least five televised performances already and however many more to go. And they're competing for $100,000, an unspecified car, and a contract with Celine freakin' Dion's show "A New Day!" As I keep telling myself, they must improve this show if it gets a second season. Heck, if I win a $386 million lottery jackpot (if you don't get that reference, you must have changed the channel), I might just buy this show so I can redo it my way. I can do that, can't I? We get a recap of Wednesday night's episode. Mostly, we see the dark side of Brandy Norwood as she Xed Leonid, Sugar-N-Spice, and N'Versity (though she accidentally checked the). Dave, Mark, and Vladimir didn't fare much better. Realis, Bobby, Natasha, and At Last were unanimously checked. Tonight, Brandy has a large malignant tumor on the right side of her head. Oh, wait, that's just her hair. If America's got talent, her hairstylist doesn't. Regis asks David Hasselhoff if they have reached a decision in the 24 hours since last night. David corrects Regis that they actually had to make a decision fairly quickly so they did not get influenced by America's choice. Piers says part of the problem is in evaluating such diverse talents. David finally gives us the name of their unanimous choice, and it is... REALIS!!! Sorry, David Bloomberg. With that, we are a full eight minutes into the hour. How is the show going to keep us glued for at least 45 more minutes when all we really want to see is who we voted for? And will they still lose the election because of Florida? Looks like they have brought back some more of the audition round's kookier con-*test*-('")ants. Since we have thirty more minutes of show, we have one more wacky act to see than last week, making five in total. The first is The Douglas Lee, a water goblet player. He performs "Hungarian Dance No. 5" and "Axel F." I've always loved glass players. I would enjoy it more if he didn't look like a rejected Doctor Who concept drawing. Still, he sounds pretty good, though a bit squeaky. Definitely not a million-dollar level, but still fun. Act #2 is Gery Deer. His stage partner and wife, Scout, holds a block of seven candles as Gerry whips them out. The flames, gutterbrain, with a pair of bullwhips. The audience cheers rather loudly, but I am bored. I can't even get inspired enough to think up a whip pun. Help? Act #3 is Camille Trout, the "daughter of Hoopalicious" as Regis puts it. She performs with her hoops, of course. She's pretty good, but gives none of the sexuality Hoopalicious did. Probably a good thing, as I don't want to go to jail. She attempts a world record of twenty hoops around her neck for three revs. She loses one right away, so no record. Act #4 is Larry Clark, a large-voiced cigar box manipulator from Memphis, Tennessee. He doesn't use the word "juggler" because of David's restraining order against all jugglers. His act consists of various stunts using the boxes. Eh. Not the best I've seen, but better than some despite the drops. His final feat is to balance all the boxes on his chin, but they fall as soon as his face makes contact. Oh, well. Act #5, finishing off the embarrassment, is Nicolas Abramowitz. His act is "gym rhythms," a combination of drumming and speed bag boxing. I can appreciate his focus splitting, but zzzzzz... If I was in that audience, I'd vote for The Douglas Lee. Who does the audience give one million imaginary dollars to? None other than... The Douglas Lee! Apparently he, Rudi Macaggi, and whoever else wins these things will do battle in the finale's results show. I wonder if I'll care. Since we still have a full half hour of show before the audience choice is revealed, we have a special surprise guest star. Our surprise guest has two Top 40 hits on his resume now, so give it up for... Teddy Geiger! Personally, I've never liked "For You I Will," so I'm a little apprehensive about listening to "These Walls." The song is all right, but I guess his voice didn't do it for me. Is it just me, or does he sound much more nasal than on the radio? Maybe it's just the migraine medicine talking. Or Leonid's feathers. Or Shanay's leotard. It's 8:34. Do you know where your patience is? Well, find it because we're still twenty-plus minutes to the audience reveal. Regis reminds us of the three known finalists: The Millers, Taylor Ware, and Realis. To spare us a little suspense, Regis will announce America's top two with none of the suspense Ryan Seacrest uses. Dave the Horn Guy is first, and he's honked out. Mark the Knife tried to mow America over, but they did not vote him through. Vladimir is hoping for a hand out, but he's not top two either. Regis says it's between Bobby and At Last for one of the top two slots. This is an easy one to predict. We're reminded of the judges' comments on these two, and finally learn what everyone has suspected – At Last is one of the top two. Now this doesn't mean they have made it forward (this show is really confusing, isn't it?), but they have a 50/50 chance. They give us an encore of "Ain't No Sunshine," and whoever is the sound director should be fired. Seriously, the acoustics in the beginning nearly ruin the performance, which was amazing. Who will compete with At Last for that coveted finale spot? Let's find out. Regis first thrusts the announcement of doom to Leonid the Magnificent. Next is Sugar-N-Spice, who aren’t flavorful enough to cute their way to the final. It's down to teen singers N'Versity and picayune pianist Natasha Le. Of course, cute little girls beat hot little girls (did I just say that?) every time as Natasha makes the Top Two. For her encore, Natasha will tickle the ivories to the same song she played last night. She makes a few noticeable mistakes tonight, probably due to excitement or lax focus. She's still a cutie, but she has no chance against At Last. Right? It's finally time to find out. Who has advanced to the final round thanks to America's vote? A spot in the finale and hearty congratulations belong to... AT LAST!! Told ya. The show ends with an encore performance from judges' choice Realis. http://www.realitynewsonline.com/cgi-bin/ae.pl?mode=1&article=article6276.art&page=1

i cant believe they put through the fricking rapping granny

America's Got Talent, July 26: Home Runs and Foul Balls by Tyler Sandersfeld -- 07/27/2006 The talent and confusion continues as an ever-changing number of acts are hoping to get their big break on NBC's big hit. Piers (right) goes gaga over a certain act. Could it be Bianca Ryan, Chadwick, or The Rappin' Granny? And what is Granny's real name? Let's find out, shall we? Here we go, ladies, gentlemen, and grandmothers! It's the third week of the America's Got Talent semi-finals, and if you thought this show was a failure in the making, you obviously haven't seen the ratings for this show. Even though So You Think You Can Dance has more 18-49 viewers (a.k.a. the only demographic they care about), America's Got Talent has more overall viewers, making it, as the ads say, the biggest hit of the summer. I'm not sure whether that's a good sign or not. Tonight, ten more acts will try not to screw up in front of everybody. Four will (sometimes thankfully) get screwed before that chance. The acts who might be on tonight's show are Nathan Burton, Chadwick, Billy Genuario, Sonia Lee, Caitlyn Taylor Love, Marla & Michelle, Bianca Ryan, Jess Schell, Vivian Smallwood the Rappin' Granny, Trey Knight's Stilt World, Team AcroDunk, Ten13Concept, and Elliot Zimet. Strange, last week they said George Kay would be slated, whoever he is. Maybe he quit or was pushed back a week. That would make 17 acts for next week, which is just lopsided. Or maybe he was disqualified a la Justin Sebik or Frenchie Davis or Gabriel Iglesias. As always, the judges will check or X an act depending on whether they liked it or not. I rate them on a 1 to 10 scale. To keep up with the theme, I'll check and X acts as well depending on my score. All scores above 7 are definite checks and all below 6 are Xs. Between 6 and 7 will depend on my mood. Regis asks the Big Hasselhoff, who just had a birthday, for the list of acts performing tonight, but David doesn't have it. Surprise! Donald Trump has the list of performers! Oh, geez, not HIM again! He and Regis are wearing almost the exact same outfit with the exact same hot pink eyesores they call "ties." Donald lists his talents as "making money, building buildings, and The Apprentice." Regis says, "You're fired!" The judges triple X him! Sweet! Time to kick this shindig off with... Team AcroDunk! As the name suggests, they specialize in acrobatic basketball dunking. Leader Jerry, who's also the oldest at 42, says tonight's routine will showcase moves we are guaranteed never to have seen before. The routine includes a helicopter-esque entrance, a ball on a fishing-pole type apparatus, and more spirited dunking than ever. David: You have grace, you have talent, you have something this show needs. Check. Brandy: I am such a big fan. So much skill, excitement... Check. Piers: The winners of this competition must have energy, creativity, dynamism, determination, and amazing talent. You tick every box. Check. Tyler: I have seen a few acts like this, but Team AcroDunk is definitely one of the better ones. They know how to keep the show interesting second to second, and I can see them rocking hour-long spectaculars, let alone halftime shows. Good job! 8 out of 10 and a definite Check. Regis asks the audience who they think is the oldest and the founder. The short guy motions that he is the one, but he's not. Ha! Backstage, Jerry is proud of his guys for ticking every one of Piers' boxes. Act #2 is... Caitlyn Taylor Love, a first-timer for our eyes! Caitlyn hails from Harlington, Texas. She just turned 12 years old and looks 28, I swear! Caitlyn is a pageant singer and won Miss Texas Junior Preteen, whatever that is. She wants to make her family proud, especially her mother. Tonight, she sings "One Moment In Time." Brandy: You have a very beautiful voice, but the song was too big for you. Check. David: It was a little pitchy. Keep studying. I love your stage presence. Check. Piers: You look like a star, but you don't sing like one. X. Tyler: She's no Bianca Ryan, that's for darn sure. She may look 28, but she definitely sounds 12. The performance was very pageanty, and not necessarily in a good way. I can see talent in there, but she needs much more development and training before she can qualify for stardom. 5.5 out of 10 and I have to X her. Regis talks to Caitlyn about her hometown. I'm too transfixed by how Caitlyn is just as tall as Regis to care. Maybe that's why I think she looks 28. Backstage, Mrs. Love congratulates Caitlyn on the good job. Third up is... Sonia Lee, an electric violinist from Detroit! Her family was very supportive of her violinist skills, though they wanted her to go to med school. In her audition, Piers said she belong backstage in an orchestra, not on stage as a star. Jerk! I recognize the song she plays, but I can't name it. Piers: This just doesn't work for me at all. It sounded like fingernails on a chalkboard. X. Brandy: 100% disagreement. You played beautifully and I love the color of your violin (it's very pink). Check. David: I love what you do and your energy. I don't think you'll make the final, but good job. Check. Tyler: I did enjoy her energy and her risk-taking. However, she was way too squeaky for me. I focused on the squeaks more than the solo. Piers was still a jerk, but he had a point. I thought it was interesting enough for a 6 out of 10, but not enough to get out of X territory. Regis reminds us that her parents wanted her to become a doctor. Piers says she should try that. Jerk! She plays a little more – the show’s theme song – and it's good and clean enough for me to bump her up to a 6.5 and a Check. Backstage, Sonia appreciated Brandy and David's responses. She says if David tried the violin, he'd squeak more than she did. Hopefully the next act can earn a definite check score from me. It is... Elliot Zimet, the hip-hop magician from the Bronx! Elliot started magic at nine years old. He's more inspired by hip-hop artists than he is other magicians. He wants to take a youthful spin to magic. Tonight, he performs another bird act to Nelly Furtado's catchy and overplayed "Promiscuous." David: Can you teach me the cockatoo-to-girl trick? Enjoyed it, but not good enough. X. Brandy: I agree with David, but you're so cute. X. Piers: You were exciting the first time, tonight you were Justin Timberlake. All I saw flying away was a million dollars. X. Tyler: At first, I feared his act was too much like his audition. Unfortunately, it never improved. Many of the tricks were just too slow going. The girl in the cage bit was interesting, but I felt very let down. I'm pulling a 5 out of 10 and an X from my sleeve. Backstage, Elliot says if America votes him through, he'll leave the birds at home and bring something different and exciting. You should have done that this time, Ellie! So far, it's been a rather disappointing evening. I'm hoping for a shining moment from... Ten13Concept, a rock band from Gainesville, Florida! The band formed in an apartment numbered 1013. Two of the members (the shaggy one and the mohawked one) are twin brothers. Obviously not identical twins. They will perform the original tune "From the Stereo." Brandy: I wasn't feeling that. It sounded like you were all playing a different song. X. Piers: If this was a "loud and irritating" con-*test*-('"), you would win. Be tighter. X. David: I agree with Piers. I like the hook, but I can't put you through. He attempts to sing the hook, but fails miserably. X. Tyler: The longhaired twin was a MUCH better singer than the shorthaired one who sang the most. The song is okay and the energy is great, but the synergy is awful. The overall performance left me very cold, so it's a 4.5 out of 10 and an easy X. Regis liked the way they jumped, and asks Piers if he even liked that. Of course, Piers didn't. Backstage, Ten13 asks for our votes. Yeah, not likely. We are halfway through, and we've only had one winning act thus far. We need some talent from... Rappin' Granny! The 73-year-old Vivian Smallwood lives in Los Angeles. Her son was a DJ and his scratching and stuff really annoyed her. One day, she said she could write a rap, and got laughed at. She hopes America and all her senior homies will get behind her. Her song tonight I will dub "Kneel" until I get an official title. David: I kneel to the Granny. Check. Brandy: I think you have a shot at winning. Check. Piers: Even if I wanted to criticize you, I'd be too scared to. We've seen over 500 acts in this competition, but none as entertaining as you. Check. Tyler: If you thought this woman was a mistake, you are wrong! I would never expect a rap of that caliber from a 73-year-old grandmother! I wanted to see a little darker and harder rap from her, but this works. She could use a few new moves, but I really, really like her. 8.5 out of 10, and I'll Check her. Kneel to the Granny! Regis asks how many grandchildren Granny has. Vivian has 14 grandchildren and three great-grands. One of the little great-grandgirls wants to rap like Granny too! Aww. Regis asks how her kids feel about her rapping. At first, they hated it and were humiliated, but now they love it. Backstage, Granny was surprised when Piers said she has a shot at winning. Regis talks with Piers about his newfound fame. Piers says he gets "mobbed" on the street and is used to getting booed. He doesn't mind the boos because it's his job to be a critical putz and find a million-dollar talent. He feels that talent is in Rappin' Granny. He says you need to step up to the plate and hit a home run, and that's what Vivian did. She might appear gimmicky at first, but the audience really gets into her. Piers says she has the WOW factor. Hmm, I wonder if this is a clue to the judges' choice. Now that we've had some entertainment, can it continue? The seventh act is... Nathan Burton, the second magician of the evening! The comedy illusionist hails from Las Vegas. His first show in kindergarten bombed, but he was hooked and improved from then. He loves the pressure and competitiveness on the stage. Nathan recalls his audition with the microwave trick, and remembers Piers calling him a one-trick pony. He's coming after Piers with more girls and a surprising trick. David: We were looking for Siegfried & Roy and David Copperfield, and we found them! Check. Brandy: She's too shocked to say anything important. Check. Piers: I didn't like you last time, but that was incredible. You stepped up to the plate. Check. Tyler: Sweet! He easily outillusioned Elliot tonight. That final trick alone – disappearing from a box ad reappearing right behind the judges – was worth an 8.5 out of 10 and a big Check. How did he do that?! Regis asks for a slo-mo replay of Brandy's face when Nathan popped out. Backstage, Nathan knew he had to win over Piers, who only liked the girl last time. This time, he brought five more and appeared right in Piers' face, and Piers' check told Nathan he won. At this rate, the next three acts have to be AMAZING to have a chance against Nathan, Vivian, and AcroDunk! Hoping to follow Nathan effectively is... Bianca Ryan! Strange, I thought she'd go last! Like many young singers, she has experience with church and school shows. She made a lot of friends after her audition, and took Piers' advice to change her appearance. Tonight, she hopes to amaze us with "Piece of My Heart." Brandy: You were born to do this, but I liked you better last time. Check. David: I prefer you in the R&B style. You're not Janis. It was good, but probably not enough. Check. Piers: I like your clothes, but you nearly blew it. There are a lot of young singers in this competition whose voices haven't developed yet. When you hit the high note, it sounded shrieky. We believed you were the favorite before, and you still have a chance, but you need to work harder. Check. Tyler: Bianca, you're 11. You should not be attempting Janis unless you can match her, and you're not there yet. The performance was okay, but I was very disappointed. I will give her a 6.5 out of 10 and a Check, but she needs to do better than that if she wants to win. Regis asks if Piers can sing. Brandy says he can't, and Regis wants to hear him by the end of the season. Backstage, Bianca promises to return to her original style if she makes the final. She is crying a bit, too. Uh oh, sympathy votes. Two more left to perform, and one of them is... Kenny Shelton?! Really?! Kenny is a juggler from Alpine, California. At first, Kenny kept dropping things on the show, and was afraid he wouldn't move on. Especially since I don't feel he should have. Tonight, Kenny will juggle fire balls and flaming torches to "Tequila." He hopes not to throw a fire ball into the audience. The Paramount Studios Fire Department is here due to protocol, but it's still kind of funny to see. Piers: You frighten me every time you appear on stage, especially with the fire. Not bad. Check. David: I kept waiting for you to drop something and have the firemen put you out. Check. Brandy: I'm just glad you didn't drop. Check. Tyler: I completely disagree with the judges. The props were on fire, but that performance wasn't. I feel he stole a spot from one of the four who didn't make it. Maybe I'm a bit biased, but for me he only earns a 4 out of 10, and easily garners an X. Kenny is relieved he didn't drop anything or kill someone. Regis calls this his comeback. I call it his gohome. Backstage, Kenny hopes America likes his act because he didn't drop anything. Whatever! Will the final act this week win like The Millers or lose like Leonid? The lucky last spot goes to... Trey Knight's Stilt World! Trey was a champion ice skater ten years ago, so he brought skating physics and artistry to stilt performing. They say they have raised the bar in terms of danger and entertainment. The act involves dancing, fire spinning, hanging, and even a little falling – though the latter isn’t on purpose. David: Good recovery from that fall, little lady. You guys have a huge career ahead of you. Check. Brandy: I can appreciate what you're doing, but it was just not my thing. X. Piers: Stilt walking and juggling are similar; one drop or fall and it's over. X. Tyler: The dancing was half intriguing, half out of sync. Later on, there are so many different things happening at once that it's hard to follow it all. There were good parts, but overall I wasn't thrilled. 5.5 out of 10 and an X. Regis asks how long it takes to learn stilt walking. Trey says walking isn't hard, but the kind of performance they did takes much longer. I believe that reasoning was the property of DUH! Backstage, Trey admits they made mistakes, but hopes America can see past that and vote for them. As expected, the ratings for this show were good enough to bring it back for another season. As unexpected, it will return in January. They better not be stupid enough to put this up against American Idol. Anyway, check for audition site updates because if you think you have a million-dollar talent, practice and try out! C'mon, I dare ya! Every week, you have to wonder if acts like Chadwick, Marla & Michelle, Jachelle (or however it is spelled), and Billy Genuario were really that much worse than some of the clunkers we witnessed tonight. Overall, I wasn't very impressed. No one earned a 9 out of 10 like The Millers or At Last. Here's how I rank the performances for tonight: Nathan Burton Rappin' Granny Team AcroDunk Bianca Ryan Sonia Lee Caitlyn Taylor Love Trey Knight's Stilt World Elliot Zimet Ten13Concept Kenny Shelton Regis asks the judges who they believe was talented enough for a spot in the finale. Piers says the choice was tough, but they have made a unanimous decision. Good thing, since last week's stalling angered a lot of viewers who voted for Realis, thus wasting their votes and money. The judges' choice is... RAPPIN' GRANNY!! I somehow predicted this. Of course, I don't think Piers raving about Vivian earlier on was a clue of any sort. Time for America to vote. I personally hope Nathan Burton gets America's vote, although I'd be happy with Team AcroDunk. However, I just know it's going to be Bianca Ryan. She's young, she's cute, she wowed us last time, and people will vote for her over more deserving acts because of this. Still, it's obvious the Top Two will be among those three. Join us tomorrow with America's choice, five more "weird and wacky" acts, and a performance by Jurassic 5. http://www.realitynewsonline.com/cgi-bin/ae.pl?mode=1&article=article6292.art&page=1

America’s Got Talent, July 27: Seniors and Juniors by David Bloomberg -- 07/28/2006 It’s time for the results! The judges picked Rappin’ Granny Wednesday night. Who did you pick? Surely it wasn’t Kenny and his flaming balls (right), was it? Or did Nathan Burton the magician make the other con-*test*-('")ants disappear? Or could the cute kid vote have brought one of our pre-teen singers to the finals? Read on to find out! TV’s current number one show is back as America’s Got Talent brings us this week’s results show! Speaking of the number “one,” the ABC horror show, The One, has been cancelled. The good survive, the bad leave our screens. That’s the way it should be! By now, you’ve seen the performance show, read the recap, and heard what the Foxes On Idol judges thought. Rappin’ Granny was the judges’ choice, but who did America vote through? We’ll have to wait an hour or so to find out. First, Regis reintroduces the judges. Big Hasselhoff. Brandy. And “last but least,” he introduces Piers as “Jack the Ripper.” Wow, a little hyperbole there, Reege. Recap of Wednesday night’s show. Yes, yes, we know. Rappin’ Granny is brought out, but not to sing, just to chat. Regis says she loves to have a good time and enjoy life, and there’s a very special reason. Granny says she’s a breast cancer survivor and they didn’t think she’d make it. But she’s here to tell seniors that they still have some life ahead of them, and she’s here for young people too – anybody who wants to stand tall like Granny. If she wins the million dollars, what will she do? She’ll donate some to breast cancer organizations. And then I expect her to say she’ll give the rest to her grandkids for college. Nope. She says she might start a record label! OK, I’m pretty sure she’s kidding, but who knows! Even if she doesn’t, I’m sure somebody will record an album with her. I mean, if they did it for William Hung… Oh good, it’s time for more wacky talent. This time around, they’re all music-related. First up is Arthur the One Man Band. He wears a guitar (which has a drumstick attached to it) and a harmonica, and sits behind a contraption put together with PVC piping that holds some drums, a keyboard, a drum machine, etc. He sings and plays “La Bamba.” Oh my. Can I hit an X button and stop him? Please. Finally, it’s over. Second is Zach Freeman, who brings out a small sampler around his neck. Basically, he sings every part of a song, including beat boxing, harmony, background, etc. He sings each part, samples it, and then sets it to replay as he moves on to the next part. He’s actually pretty good. Third is Bandaloni, who looks like a standard one-man band – he’s got a small drum kit on his back, a guitar, a harmonica, etc. The drums are hooked up to his guitar and his legs, so he kind of has to stomp around the stage. But he’s not bad, singing “Hey Good Looking.” Certainly better than Arthur. Next is Mayling Garcia, who says she is one of 13 people in the world to play Benjamin Franklin’s invention, the glass harmonica. Like the water glass player last week, she does not shake Regis’ hand. The glass harmonica is an interesting instrument. There are different-sized glass rings that spin slowly around a cylinder, and she plays “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” on it. Not bad. Finally, we have Duane Flatmo, who is dressed as a “gaucho” and plays large mandolin. He says he’s been playing for 25 years, but then gets to the microphone and says he wants to play a really tricky song. He starts picking on it appears to encounter some difficulty. He says he has problems whenever he gets in front of an audience, so he’s going to do it the way they do it in the studio, “with a studio mixer.” Ah, but it’s not the type of mixer you think, because he pulls out a hand mixer you’d use for baking, except it has guitar picks instead of egg beaters on it. This he uses to play the mandolin, and it’s really quite good, and amusing. I’ve got to think this is pretty difficult, since he has to control the mixer well enough to hit specific strings. I’d vote him the best of the night, with Zach second. And the studio audience agrees! Duane wins, so I guess he’ll advance to the wacky talent finals. Hey, there’s actually a prize – the wacky winner gets a new car! Guess what? America’s Got Talent is coming back in January, following the American Idol route. I sure hope NBC doesn’t try to put them up against each other. And there’s other news. Piers announces that they are adding a wildcard show in a couple weeks. The four acts with the most viewer votes but who didn’t win will join six acts picked by the judges (two per judge) for another two-hour extravaganza. See how it works – shows with high ratings add episodes. Shows with low ratings disappear. Now, to fill more of the hour-long results show, Jurassic 5 sings for us. Do you really care? I don’t – that’s not why I’m watching. Let’s move on. Regis assures us it’s time to get down to business. But it’s really not, because first we recap who is already in the finals. Regis goes through the nine remaining acts from last night to tell them if they’re in the final two or not. Even if the show isn’t cutting to the chase, we will. The first of the top two vote-getters of the night is Nathan Burton, the magician who scared the crap out of the judges by disappearing on-stage and reappearing right behind the judges. He gets to perform another trick, and says it’s one from his childhood. Nathan brings out his equipment as a stage hand grabs Regis and pulls him off-stage. As Regis asks (with microphone still on), “Where are we going?” I’m thinking he just forgot he had to get off-stage, which is pretty funny. Anyway, Nathan wheels out a red wagon containing a teddy bear and toy, plus a human-sized “Bambie” clear plastic box and a wrapped present. He throws the bear and toy off-stage and then pulls a covering halfway up the plastic box. He picks up the wrapped box and moves it aside, and then lifts the covering of the plastic box all the way up. He quickly pulls the covering off and a life-sized “Bambie” doll is inside, dressed all pretty in pink. Nathan takes out the “doll” and starts posing her. He picks her up and carries her to another part of the stage, where he pulls up a curtain and drops it, and she’s now dressed in more of a pink nightie and has come to life. Meanwhile, stage hands have replaced the red wagon with a pink-curtained changing area, and Bambie goes to step into it. She hands out her pink top. Woohoo! She hands out her bottoms, which say “I Piers” on them. Brandy fakes vomiting when she sees this. And then Nathan goes to pull down the curtain, presumably with the expectation of seeing a naked girl/doll there. But no, it’s Regis, fully dressed in his suit (thank goodness) with the pink nightie over it! Now we know why that stage hand was in such a hurry to move him along. I didn’t notice the first time I watched, but upon second viewing, I figured out how this trick is done. If you don’t want to know, skip this paragraph. OK, here goes: The wagon and the plastic box have some hidden space at the bottom of each – just enough for a contortionist/doll/girl to fit in. And the present was where she fit the rest of herself. When he pulled up the covering on the plastic box to cover half of it, I noticed the present move – the girl was shifting to start moving into place. Still, damn good trick. Then, the girl-to-Regis transformation was likely done with Regis already behind the curtain when it was rolled out. It also had a small area beneath the floor, where the contortionist ducked into when various garments were being handed out to Nathan. Overall, it was great and I hope he moves on! Who else is in the top two? It’s Bianca Ryan! She’s going to perform again too, this time it’s “And I’m Telling You.” And you know what? I’m telling you, she should not have made it this far. I’m sorry. She’s 11, and she’s great for 11. But I just don’t think she’s great for this show overall. I would much rather have seen somebody like AcroDunk make it. Still, there’s hope Nathan will be tonight’s winner, right? Unfortunately, I have a bad feeling about this. Before we find out who won, let’s look ahead to next week, when we have the potential to see: King Charles Unicycle Troupe, David Smith (the guy who bent his legs behind his neck and played guitar), the girl who shot arrows with her feet, Conrad Wright, Aaron Burr, the stripping Cinderella, Shaun & John, Celtic Spring, Ivan Purcell, Daniel Kaleb (or something like that), Passing Zone, Desperation Squad, George Kelly, and David & Diana Quickchange. So will it be Nathan or Bianca? We don’t know yet, because they have to kill a little more time first talking to Piers. Oh, get on with it! And the winner is… stall… stall… stall… Bianca! Yes, the cute kid vote came through over the real talent vote. She’s ecstatic, of course, as is her family. I don’t begrudge them that and it’s not like I dislike Bianca, but I just don’t want this turning into America’s Most Talented Kid. Nathan deserved to win. Hopefully, the wildcard round will be kinder to him. Before we’re done, Rappin’ Granny returns to sing us out with the same song she performed the previous night. http://www.realitynewsonline.com/cgi-bin/ae.pl?mode=4&article=article6295.art&page=1

America's Got Talent, August 2: The Vegas Strip(per) by Tyler Sandersfeld -- 08/03/2006 This heat wave is not letting up anytime soon. What happened to days where air conditioning wasn't necessary? Also, what happened to three acts we've seen before? What happened to not having any spoilers to who performs and what the judges say? What happened to Tyler last Thursday? And what happened to actual talent? If you like talent or just have a fetish for unicycles (right), come on in! Here we go, ladies, gentlemen, and talking cars. Excluding the recently announced Wildcard show, this is the last week of the semi-finals! If you're wondering what happened to me last Thursday, thanks for caring. Love you! Anyway, last Thursday RAGBRAI stopped in Marengo, where my church was. We were hoping to sell 1000 pork loin meals to the hungry bikers. Unfortunately, the heat and my new enemy Lance Armstrong's visit to Newton and subsequent party left the bikers too tired to eat. Thus, almost all local organizations hoping to make some much-needed money off the event were lucky to break even! As a result, I was almost too tired, depressed, and angry to write the results show recap. Too bad I left my VCR on so it didn't record the show. Oops! Tonight, the following however-many-it-is-now acts have the chance to earn their spot in the finale: Desperation Squad, Ivan Pecel, Aaron Burr, King Charles Unicycle Troupe, Lilia Stepanova, Daniel Kohler, Celtic Spring, Michelle L'amour, Dave Smith "The One-Man Sideshow," Jon & Owen "The Passing Zone," George Kelly, David & Dania "Quick Change", Conrad Wright, and Sean & John. So whatever happened to Sideswipe, Syd the Kid, and Michael Speaks? Did they quit? Were they unable to come? Were they DQed? Did they get abducted by aliens? Will they show up for the Wildcard? I don't know, but I'm going to find out. Instead of explaining the Check-X system again, Piers explains the Wildcard show. As you may or may not know, the act who received the second-most votes each week is guaranteed a spot in the Wildcard show (which is actually different from how he explained it last week, when he said the four acts that received the most votes aside from the winners). This means All That, Natasha Le, and Nathan Burton will all be coming back for sure, and they deserve another chance. Each judge will choose two acts to join in, making a total of ten. Piers says David wants to bring back jugglers, Piers himself wants Dave the Horn Guy, and Brandy wants Bernie Barker. Hah, and Jerk! Time to start this show off with... Jon & Owen, The Passing Zone! Note: I wrote that before it was announced because, apparently, this isn't live. They advertised an act juggling people in the first five minutes, and though it's a little later than that, Passing Zone is the only act that made sense with something like that. Anyway, Jon and Owen met at a juggling convention in 1986 and have been working together for eighteen years. They remember a supportive judging last time, but not from David the jugglophobe. If you don't know what they're doing, don't TiVo out your commercials. Anyway, it's audience member juggling! David: "Last time, I wrote 'Is that an act?" I just got out of 'I Hate Jugglers Anonymous.' You have restored my faith in jugglers." Check. Brandy: "I agree with David. The act was fantastic, though I don't know if it's worth a million dollars." Check. Piers: "'Houston, we've got a problem." The problem: I like a juggling act. Creative, fresh, original and funny." Check. Tyler: I liked the suits. I liked the comedy. I liked the astronaut theme. I liked the people-juggling. I liked the giant ball passing between the revolving people. I liked the patriotism. I liked the whole act a lot. 8.5 out of 10 and so a Check! Regis thinks the audience members did all the work. Hey, props to them for risking collision for their act. I'm sure they had fun. Backstage, Owen calls this a historic moment because "a juggler impressed Hasselhoff." That was a good start, so let's hope the talent continues with... Celtic Spring! The Wood family of Ojai, California, plays Celtic music and dances Irish style. They picked up Irish music and culture from the mother's mother. Their audition was received well. Of course, Piers didn't like the costumes, calling them "too Star Trek." I'm a nerd, yet I've never liked Star Trek. Does that make me weird? Let's see how their music and dancing fit together in "Farewell to Erin." Hey, that's my sister's name! Brandy: "You guys are skillful and tight, but it was a bit mechanical for me." Check. Jerk: "I got into big trouble with the Millers, and I'm getting into trouble again. If you want to win, the five in the middle should sack your mom, dad, and little brother. This is no time to be sentimental." The youngest sister starts crying. X. David: "Don't you cry; you were great. Don't listen to Piers! It's not worth a million to split up." Check. Tyler: I know I called Piers a jerk (again) and I stand by it, but he had a small point. Yes, the little boy was cute, but he's no Michael Flatley yet. He'll need a little more training until he should join the family band proper. Otherwise, I certainly liked it. There were a few synergy problems, but otherwise a solid performance. 8 out of 10, and they have earned my Check. Regis wants the middle brother to speak for his parents and baby brother. He calls them the back-up band and they need them. Backstage, the older sister was hurt when Piers suggested dumping the little boy and the parents. Act #3 is ready to go, and it is... Sean & John, the tapping twins! They have been tap dancing since they were six years old. Sean didn't want to dance at first, thinking it was embarrassing. John started dancing and suddenly girls came over to watch. Sean wanted the girls too, so he joined in. John says they are not going home without the million. The house band plays a smooth song as the twins tap their way towards the top. Piers: "Some acts come to this round disappointing. You weren't one of them. Great outfits, great chemistry, great great great." Check. David: "My crotch hurts from watching that split. You guys are awesome and you remind me of Gregory Hines." Check. Brandy: "I have to agree with both of you guys (Piers doesn't believe it). You make tap cool." Check. Tyler: I've seen better tap acts, but not too many. There were some good tricks and interesting moves, though the chemistry could have been tighter. It was certainly a fun, cool act to watch. A million dollars? I'm not so sure, but they've earned a 7 out of 10 and my Check. Regis asks who made David's crotch hurt. It was John. Now if Sean can make Piers' crotch hurt, I'll vote for them. Backstage... um, I'm having a little trouble understanding John's speech. Help? So far, only one X has been handed out, so keep us in checks... Lilia Stepanova, the 19-year-old contortionist/archer/dreamboat from Las Vegas! Lilia used to watch her mother perform all the time and has been in sports all her life. At the audition, she was afraid of Piers, but he gave her nothing but praise. Her act this time is promised to be more difficult. David: "We're going to Vegas! Incredibly charming and beautiful." Check. Brandy: "You don't need to change your act." Check. Piers: "What else do you do? You're incredible, but you need more than two minutes worth." Check. Tyler: As much as I like Lilia, I thought it was rather boring tonight. Perhaps Piers was right; I just needed more than two minutes to see what she could pull off. I was still interested in the tricks and Lilia herself, but no matter how hot Lilia was, I was left kind of cold by the similarity to the audition. I suppose I'll check her, but her score is only a 6 out of 10. Regis was hoping the something different would be shooting an apple off Piers' head. Lilia thinks that's a good idea. Backstage, Lilia says she was shocked when her name was called. I wasn't, but I was let down by her performance tonight. Four down, six to go, and number five is the one and only... Dave Smith, the one-man sideshow from Philadelphia! I never knew his hair was that long. He was always a class clown, but didn't start performing until he was a teenager. He's 6'6", just an inch shorter than me! I think we could get along very well. Tonight, he sings the Tom Lehrer classic, "The Masochism Tango," while having various painful things done to him. He performs with an unnamed yet lovely assistant. Brandy: "You performance looked painful. Great job, but not blown away." Check. Piers: "You're an acquired taste, and I haven't acquired it." X. David: "Still trying to figure it out. Would work in the Hollywood Dungeon Wax Museum. Enjoyed it, but can't vote you through." X. Tyler: That really was a one-man sideshow! He had fire, whips, a bed of nails, and a walk on broken glass. Definitely kinky and versatile, but it almost seemed like he was doing too much and not really wowing with any bit. 6.75 out of 10, and I'm not really sure whether to Check or X him. Since I'm rating him higher than Lilia, I suppose it's a Check. Regis wants to know what the judges want from a one-guy sideshow. Backstage, Dave thought it went well and hopes America liked it. I liked it well enough, but I don't think America is as warped as I am. It's a new hour and time for a new act. Next to get Regised on stage is... Quick Change David & Dania! They met twelve years ago and celebrated their ten-year anniversary last April. Dania was a hula hoopist and David was the emcee. The upside to performing as a couple is always being together. The downside to it is always being together! They remember the praise after the audition, and hope they can bring the magic back. Piers: "I wish every woman could change dresses that fast. Flawless, but very similar to the first time." Check. David: "You're right up there with the top magicians in the world. Don't change a thing." Check. Brandy: "You are the best at what you do, and I was totally amazed. Change the outfits and hair and do the same act." Check. Tyler: The act and the clothes were almost identical to last time, if not exactly identical. The only major difference was the American flag dress, but that's not enough for me. As interesting as it was, I cannot give them a good score because it was the same freakin' act! 4 out of 10, and my first X of the evening. Regis believes the judges liked David & Dania more than they like each other. Backstage, David boasts about impressing America and hopes to get their votes. Dania just says, "Yes." Is it just me, or did that seem a little off-putting? As the pre-commercial teaser says, the next act is a singer. But which one? It is... George Kelly! He started singing while listening to Pavarotti in the shower. Last time, he sang an Italian contemporary classic. This time, he's singing a song in English. The song is "You Raise Me Up," and I throw up. Please, people, stop singing these overdone songs! Brandy: "You have a beautiful voice. However, the mystique from the last performance was lost this time around." Check. Piers: "You're the man every woman hopes drives their gondola in Venice. Best adult singer we've seen on this show." David: "You will have a magnificent career. However, you were lacking passion. Still very talented." Check. Tyler: What are these judges smoking? I know it's not weed, because it's not strong enough. That was one of the weakest renditions of "YRMU" I've ever heard. Well, better than Kevin Covais, but that's not saying much. Too nasally, too soft and way too whiny! 4.5 out of 10 and I'm Xing him. Regis also thought George sounded great tonight. Maybe he's just being nice, or maybe he's sharing the judges' peyote. Backstage, George doesn't know if he'll get the judges' vote, so he pleads to America. Personally, I'd rather vote for Kevin Covais. At least he was lovably dorky. Only room for three more acts. Who's performing eighth, you ask? It is... Michelle L'amour, Brandy's arch-nemesis! As a burlesque dancer, she knows to leave the audience wanting more. She even teaches burlesque. Her performance tonight revolves around KITT and the Knight Rider theme song. She even takes her top completely off at the end and throws it to Brandy. If you don't like that, don't worry because she covers up with a feather boa. If you do like that, too bad because she covers up with a feather boa! Michelle: "You can keep the bra!" Brandy: "Not the right size!" X, and that was so funny. "Maybe across the street, but not here." David: "I'm going across the street! I wondered what happened to KITT." Check. Piers: "I have a problem: my three young sons are sitting here, so I must be careful. You lost me by being a Hasselhoff groupie." X, and the audience cheers! Tyler: Uh... I really don't know what to say! It was a creative striptease, that's for sure. I'd say it's worth a few $20's in her G-string, but not fifty thousand of them. Her thighs were too thick. 5 out of 10 and an XXX. Regis didn't know what was better -- watching Michelle's body or Brandy's face. He thinks it's funny that KITT got closer to Michelle than David. Backstage, Michelle calls KITT a great partner and "best ride of her life." Are you sure this isn't Pay-Per-View? So far, the second half of the show has been quite disappointing for me. Please bring the talent... King Charles Unicycle Troupe! As you may or may not know, King Charles is a variety act from the Las Vegas show, Beacher's Madhouse, along with finalist LD Miller, various AGT rejects like Leonid the Magnificent and James Thompson, and other novelties like Tiny Kiss. Personally, I'd like to see the craziness the Madhouse offers. They call themselves the Harlem Globetrotters on wheels. As opposed to Team AcroDunk, who were the Globetrotters on trampolines. They're proud to teach street kids that there is an alternative to drugs and gang violence. Here's hoping their performance goes well! Brandy: "That was the sloppiest thing I've ever seen on America's Got Talent." X. Piers: "Absolutely terrible. You've had your moment." Check?! David: "It was a trainwreck. You have so much potential." CHECK?! Tyler: You know what, I don't think I want to see Beacher's Madhouse anymore. Unless they give me free tickets and plane fare to Vegas. I have seen acts bomb worse (J.R. Johns), but that was pretty close. Too short, too messy, and a lot of mistakes. No amount of energy could make up for that clunker. 3.5 out of 10 and a big bold X. Regis tells them that it wasn't a great performance. Man, even the Reege didn't like it! Backstage, the leader says they'll step up their game if they're voted through. You have less chance than your vehicles have wheels! There is only one spot left in this round of the semi-finals, and hopefully the act chosen can make up for the last four acts. The final spot goes to... Desperation Squad, the loser band from Pomona, California! Mr. P, the leader, once ran for mayor of Pomona and of course lost. They've grown up and became more "screw you" in their lyrics. Oh, yeah, that's mature. They want to make rock and roll crazy again. Their song is called "Band." During the performance, Mr. P goes so far as to press the judges' button to the lyrics, "We're a good band (check), we're a bad band (X)." David: "I'm sorry I didn't put the juggler through. You were a GOOD band! Especially for those still taking drugs." Check?! Okay, David is definitely on something! Brandy: "I had nothing to do with this performance making it this far." X. Piers: "You look like you got rabies. You are the loudest, most annoying band ever." X. Tyler: I'm all for crazy, but not for crappy. The music was okay at best, but the song was lousiness at its lousiest. Still not quite as bad as J.R. Johns was, but worse than King Charles. 3 out of 10, and a HUGE X! Regis inquires about the name Desperation Squad. Mr. P says once they're done, that's it. Huh? Backstage, Mr. P says if Piers wants to expose himself as "the biggest square on the planet," then whatever. I'm sure the nice person who sent me the e-mail praising Aaron is ticked that these bozos stole his spot. I wonder if Ivan Pecel, Daniel Kohler, Conrad Wright, and Aaron Burr are feeling as cheated as Nikki Payne, Kaitlyn Columbo, Wild Willy Parsons, and Doug Benson. At first, I thought this might have been a strong week since I checked all of the acts in the first hour. In the end, it was the worst of the four groups. Only two acts fell into my 7.5-and-above Definite Check Zone, and those two deserve to move on. Here's how I rank them: The Passing Zone Celtic Spring Sean & John Dave Smith Lilia Stepanova Michelle L'amour George Kelly Quick Change King Charles Troupe Desperation Squad David believes he could sing better than Desperation Squad. Piers challenges David to sing for America on tomorrow's results show. David will do it, and Brandy and Piers get to judge him. Now that that ugly business is over, it's time for the judges to announce their choice. The seventh finalist is... THE PASSING ZONE!! They deserved it. Join me tomorrow night as we find out who earned America's vote (I'm rooting for Celtic Spring, but I'm predicting Lilia Stepanova). Don't forget, we'll also see a performance by Cirque du Soleil, more Weird & Wackies, and a song by David Hasselhoff! Buy life insurance, and I'll see ya then! http://www.realitynewsonline.com/cgi-bin/ae.pl?mode=4&article=article6314.art&page=1

America's Got Talent, August 3: Save Me, Major Victory! by Tyler Sandersfeld -- 08/04/2006 David Hasselhoff sings! Little girls belch like fat uncles! Tom Green shows up! Piers Morgan is still here! Barring the sudden appearance of a superhero in gaudy tights, your intrepid recapper will have to suffer all of this to find out who America voted through. Pray for him and come on in. Here we go, ladies, gentlemen, and masochists. Tonight, one more act will join the seven already in the finale, and we learn the names of the Wildcards. Oh, and a bunch of other crazy crap. Last night, the final group of ten tried to impress. Not many did. The first four acts--The Passing Zone, Celtic Spring, Sean & John and Lilia Stepanova--were more-or-less received well, though Celtic Spring earned the dreaded "dump your family" remark from Piers. Though the on-site judges and the Foxes on Idol staff loved David & Dania the Quick Change Artists, I was turned off by the near-duplication of their audition. Dave Smith and Michelle L'amour proved too adult for many viewers and judges. The final two acts--King Charles Troupe and Desperation Squad--were perhaps the worst of the entire semi-finals. Oh, and some guy named George Kelly sang something. Maybe. I don't remember. David, Brandy, and Jerk made their choice, and The Passing Zone joined The Millers, Taylor Ware, Realis, At Last, Rappin' Granny, and Bianca Ryan in the million-dollar finale. Tonight, after approximately 53 minutes of "weird 'n wacky" acts, Cirque du Soleil, Tom Green, and the singer John Tesh wishes he could be, we will discover the eighth member of the Final Ten. Also, we'll find out who joins All That, Natasha Le, and Nathan Burton in the Wildcard Round. First, we get a special encore from the pair with the smooth duds and slick skills, Jon & Owen, The Passing Zone. Their encore act involves juggling seven clubs, along with the trademark humor that got them to the finale. The danger level may be less than before, but the entertainment level is still at full force. The Passing Zone is a pure treat and deserve their spot, though their competition will be FIERCE! Three acts are asked to step forward--Desperation Squad, Dave Smith, and King Charles Troupe. To the surprise of almost no one, these three were the Bottom Three in terms of votes. I'm personally a little disappointed Dave Smith is one of them, but I can understand why. I don't think his tango connected as well as it could have. Time for the four "weird 'n wacky" acts in AGT's side competition. The theme this week is Musical Body Parts. Act #1 is The Great Stamen Show from Bulgaria. He says he is the only person in the world who can play his teeth. I think I may have seen something similar before, but Stamen does a pretty good job, if not spectacular. Act #2 is Skylar Aud from Los Angeles. He sings the Patsy Cline classic "Crazy" after inhaling some helium from a balloon. The pitch keeps rising, but my interest keeps falling. Definitely not worth a Dodge Caliber RT, let alone a million dollars. Act #3 is Sammi Pryor from Pennsylvania. With some accompaniment, she performs "Blue Danube" by plunging her ears. Am I supposed to be nice to this sweet little girl who bored me so bad? Act #4 is Alexis and Alicia. They perform a duet of "Take Me Out to the Ball Game." Alicia singing leaves something to be desired, and Alexis belches all her words. I think I need an aspirin. If it was up to me, The Great Stamen Show would take this easily. And the wacky winner of the week is… The Great Stamen Show! So far, all my picks (and David's last week) have advanced, as if that's supposed to mean anything. There's one more "weird 'n wacky" act to see, courtesy of former MTV star/disgrace Tom Green! Tom's stunt is skateboarding through a ring of fire. I'm not sure whether I want him to make it or hit it. Of course he's successful, but he's still on fire! The firemen put him out, and hopefully someone puts him back in. A straightjacket, that is! Now for something I really want to see--Cirque du Soleil's Zumanity! We see hooping and hanging from a lovely little lass. Kinda like the child Vladimir and Hoopalicious wish they could have. All this while an emo porcupine sings hauntingly in the background. Beautiful job, Cirque. Now it is time to find the Top Two vote-getters. One is a sure finalist, the other will appear in next week's Wildcard Round. Lilia, George, and David & Dania are reminded of what the judges thought, and the first of the Top Two is... Quick Change David & Dania?! Apparently, variety acts shouldn't have any actual variety in their act. Anyway, we see part of last night's performance again, and although the judges and the Foxes are no doubt happy, I'm not. I bet on Lilia to make it, and now I can't afford a PlayStation 3. After rehashing the judges' opinions of Sean & John, Michelle, Celtic Spring, we learn that the second member of the Top Two is... Celtic Spring, complete with Star Trek outfits! Now I'm happy again. And now, for the eighth finalist. Congratulations to... CELTIC SPRING!!! This means seven of my Top Two of each week made the finale. Wildcards: All That, Natasha Le, Nathan Burton, Quick Change, Bobby Badfingers, Corina Brouder, N'Versity, and Leonid the Magnificent (WHAT?!). Wait, this is only eight! I thought there would be ten! This show needs to stop lying. Plus, Team AcroDunk got screwed. To finish the show, we have David Hasselhoff himself singing "Jump In My Car" or whatever it's called. Brandy: "You are so cute. It's a joy to see you on stage and not sitting next to me. It's an honor that you added me to the performance." Piers: "You were awesome! KITT, get him out of here." Tyler: I have to give someone a 1 out of 10. David earned it. X. http://www.realitynewsonline.com/cgi-bin/ae.pl?mode=4&article=article9804.art&page=1

America's Got Talent, August 9: Here's My Wildcard, Call Me by Tyler Sandersfeld -- 08/10/2006 Thanks to a change in schedule (as if it's anything new to NBC), ten acts who didn't make the final round in their semi-final week get another chance. Which Wildcards pull out their trump cards? Which performers should have been left in the wild? And what one act answers both questions? Last week, we learned of eight performers already chosen to perform. We already knew All That, Natasha Le and Nathan Burton were in thanks to the "America's second choice" rule. Then we learned David & Dania the Quick Change Artists also earned an automatic spot. The four others were singing harpist Corina Brouder, snappy snappist Bobby Badfingers, teenage singers N'Versity, and alien invader Leonid the Magnificent. I thought at first they simply cut the number down to eight because they either didn't have enough time for ten acts in ninety minutes, or are just dirty rotten liars. Then we learned Jessica Sanchez and Alexis Jordan will also perform so all is right with the world. These ten acts are not the only ones returning. David "the Hoff" Hasselhoff, Brandy "Sittin' Up In My Room" (Norwood), and Piers "Jerk" Morgan return as the judges, ready to Check or X an act as they see fit. Regis "Is That Your Final Answer" Philbin returns to do whatever he does on this show. And I, Tyler "I Need a Nickname" Sandersfeld, return to recap this show. Hopefully you'll return here to RNO in the future. First to perform is Nathan Burton, whose spot in the finale was stolen by Bianca Ryan. He brought his best stuff for this Wildcard show. Nathan's problem is that he has set the bar for himself so high, he needs to bring it this time or face the judges' wrath. He wants to show America how entertaining magic can be. There's a snow theme to Nathan's tricks tonight as he starts with some close-up magic by transforming a wet napkin to a blizzard and then makes a snowmobile appear. Brandy: "You are brilliant. You keep taking it further and further and further." Check. Piers: "Any chance you can transport those snow bunnies to my trailer? We are literally one week away from the million dollars, and I think you have it in you to make it." Check. David: "Santa Claus is coming to town! I like your appeal; you're like 'Here I am,' no ego or pretense. You always one-up it every time." Check. Tyler: I knew I've seen this somewhere before. I think I saw Nathan perform at my alma mater, Central College in Pella, Iowa, or maybe on TV somewhere. That, or he's not the only magician to do the napkin snow trick. Whatever the case may be, it was another great showing by Nathan, and he needs to make the finale. 9 out of 10 and a BIG CHECK! Regis asks how Nathan feels, and Nathan feels good. Pretty standard conversation this time around. Meh. Next up is Piers' first choice for this Wildcard show, and to no one's surprise it is Bobby Badfingers! Bobby hopes to create more "finger friction" this time. He feels like he is running for president, complete with a cheesy "Vote for Bobby" act. Tonight, Bobby snaps to the classic tune "Dueling Banjos." Piers: "This show is about someone with a unique talent who is very entertaining. I don't know if it's worth a million dollars, but you are hilarious." Check. David: "You're always very positive. You're awesome, man." Check Brandy: "I'm a huge, huge fan of yours. I love you as a performer." Check. Tyler: I'm thankful that he snapped a lot more than last time and danced a lot less. The only little problem I had was that the banjo and guitar kind of drowned Bobby out. Anyway, he was still very entertaining and deliciously cheesy. He gets an 8 out of 10 and a Check. Regis notes that everyone loved him tonight and that he dressed up as Zorro tonight. Bobby calls it "Snappo." Backstage, Bobby snaps some more and asks for our votes. Third to perform is someone who got cut without a performance the first time around in favor of that steaming pile of crap that was J.R. John's boxer bomb. Her name is Jessica Sanchez, she is 11 years old (so what else is new?), and hails from San Diego. Her father is serving in Iraq, and she misses him. She is very happy Brandy brought her back as the only Wildcard not seen by America yet. She will not let her down, but she will make Brandy, her dad, and America proud. Tonight, Jessica hopes to prove her place with "I Surrender." David: "I can see why you came back. That was fantastic! You had the spirit and the passion, and I bought it." Check. Brandy: "I'm so glad I brought you back. You have really shown me singing is the best thing ever. You're going to be huge." Check. Piers: "I was quite surprised. I thought Brandy made a mistake. You kicked it up a gear, and you have the confidence and star quality other, possibly more talented acts, don't have." Check. Tyler: At first, I believed she was denied performance in week one because they already had Taylor and Alexis. After that performance, I believe it's because she just isn't that great. She has a big voice, that's for sure. Unfortunately, it just isn't a smooth, developed voice. She was also quite flat, so I'm not sure what the judges heard. She did inject a lot of personality into the song as well, so that will bump her score up to a 6.5 out of 10. I don't think it was quite Check-worthy enough. Who knows, though? She might become America's Got Talent's Carmen Rasmusen – first televised performance in the Wildcard, wasn't that great, makes it through and actually grows on me. Regis reminds America that Jessica was a leftover in the first week of the semis, and Jessica went home crying. Oh, great. More crying, more pity votes, more chance Nathan will get screwed again. Backstage, Jessica hopes America enjoyed her performance and will vote her through. Well, America may vote for you, but I won't sadly. All That is next to perform. The leader (I think) recalls almost making the finale but just falling short. He also recalls Piers complaining about their outfits. They have a surprise for Piers in the form of sharp suits – which they quickly take off while dancing a capella at first, then to "She's a Bad Mamma Jamma." David: "I've been a fan since the beginning. You were even tighter tonight." Check Brandy: "You guys are hot. Can I be your homegirl?" Check. Piers: "Some say there is not enough talent on this show, just freaks. The temperature may have dropped twenty degrees in California, but it went up twenty on this stage." Check. Tyler: As cool, sexy, and entertaining as ever. Not much else to say. 9 out of 10 and welcome to Check-ville again! Regis asks how they got the name All That. Leader boy claims the name came from the cloggers wanting to do "all that" they can with their God-given talents. And here I just thought it was because they really are "all that." Backstage, Leader boy says everything went perfectly, from the drop down to the dancing in the audience. Really, that should be all any performer wants, but in this con-*test*-('") you need to be million-dollar perfect. I think All That may be that million-dollar perfect. David's first choice is the beautiful harpist, Corina Brouder. She's excited for the second chance, and loves that David was the one to bring her back. She brought her sister as a back-up singer as she performs a medley of "Danny Boy" on harp and "Can't Help Falling in Love" on piano. Brandy: "You had me with the harp, but it kind of fell apart in the end. You still have a beautiful voice." Check. Piers: "I don't agree with Brandy. You tried something different and it worked." Check. David: "I kind of agree with both. You have something really special. Welcome back." Check. Tyler: I liked how she moved from harp to piano smoothly. Beautiful. Maybe not a million-dollar kind of beautiful, but I enjoyed it. 7.5 out of 10 and she earned a full check. Regis thinks David likes Corina. Chalk that one up to the property of DUH! Backstage, Corina pleads for America's vote, then asks her sister if she sounded too desperate. Sis just laughs a little. So far, I’ve been the only person to give out an X, and to an 11-year-old girl no less! Still, that has to tell you this has been a talented evening. Can David & Dania Quick Change keep it going? If you remember, David & Dania earned my lowest score among all the Wildcards, except for Jessica who didn't get a score. David believes America should look at them as the only act of its kind. I remember the show 30 Seconds to Fame a few years ago, and there were two quick change acts that I saw! So unfortunately, David just lied. He also thought they had a great shot at earning America's vote, so he was right when they were second to Celtic Spring. With ten Miss Teen USA delegates and the reigning Miss Teen USA in the audience, hopefully David & Dania can swap clothes worthy of a million dollars. But… they don’t. They provide essentially the same act, with the only real change being that they replace the final U.S. flag dress with a British flag dress Piers: "I'm a bit confused. Three times, we asked you to come back with something different. Three times, you have refused. Are you deaf? Are you dumb? Are you arrogant?" David from Quick Change: "Don't ever call me dumb. When a singer comes up, they sing a song. A dancer dances a dance. They don't do anything else. There were dozens of every kind of act in the auditions, and we were the only act of its kind. You want to see an elephant or snowmobile on stage? Go down the road." Piers: "I'm not denying that every fresh audience reacts the same way to your act." David QC: "Three standing ovations!" Piers: "The thing is, The Beatles wowed everyone with their first #1, 'Love Me Do.' If The Beatles just released 'Love Me Do' every six months, it gets boring." Brandy: "They're not singers. This is their talent!" David QC: "We change the act every time." Piers: "One wig, one dress, and one scarf isn't changing the act. To me, you have deliberately not changed the act because you believe you can win just on that act." David QC: "The first time we did the act, your mouth was on the floor. To this day, you still cannot figure out how this concept is done." Piers: "For me, I've grown bored with it." X. The audience undeservedly boos the only person who is right. Brandy: "I think you are dumb, Piers. I am impressed." Piers: "Last time, you said 'Change the act.'" Brandy: "I said 'Change the clothes.' The quick change is the act." Piers: "It's not enough." Brandy: "On top of that, you guys do it the best. I still cannot figure it out." Check. David Hasselhoff: "Forget that. You don't have to change a damn thing." Check. The audience keeps cheering wildly. I don't get it. Tyler: sigh... The only things different were that gaudy wig, the British flag dress, and the rather catchy band version of "Eye of the Tiger." They earned my ire last time, and this time they get it two-fold. I know David & Dania can find other ways to quick change besides the "closet" trick, the shredded hoop and the bag of sparkles. Plus, I can see the dress fall down around Dania through the shredded hoop each time, so I have an idea how it is done. That whole spiel about singers just singing is way off base. Singers don't just sing the exact same song over and over again. Unless you're Aliceyn Cooney. How about both David & Dania changing their outfits at the same time? How about Dania climbs into a fully-covered bed wearing a robe and comes out wearing work clothes? How about just dumping that ugly bumblebee dress and getting something from Project Runway? How about just changing up the order of the tricks? 2 out of 10 and the biggest X ever for me And believe me, the 2 is more than generous. Regis thought Piers would like Dania in the Union Jack. Backstage, Dania is crying over Piers calling them "deaf and dumb." She doesn't think it is nice. True, it isn't nice. Piers is a master jerk, you know. Still, Piers managed to hit the point on the nose with the "Love Me Do" example. J.R. Johns could have done the same act as his audition only with different dogs and/or different costumes. Although it would have been better than that trainwreck he performed, I still wouldn't have given him a good score because he lacked variety. Regis talks with Piers again about the controversial moment with David & Dania. Piers says he has no regrets about what he said. It seems to Piers that every time someone cries on this show, America votes them through. He hopes America is less sentimental than this. The prize is a million dollars, and this is a harsh business. Stop booing him, audience! Yes, Piers may be a jerk – heck, I call him "Jerk" every week. Still, he's absolutely right. If David & Dania, by some strange reason, make the finals, they have to think up a new way to showcase their quick change abilities other than the same tricks we have seen three times now. Maybe now we can move on to another topic! The second act chosen by Piers is N'Versity. They feel honored to make the Wildcards through Piers. They will prove Brandy's chemistry concerns wrong this time. Cassie, Candy, and BB sing one of my least favorite songs ever, "My Prerogative." David: "I thought you stepped it up. I liked the choreography, but the vocals didn't match." Check. Brandy: "It was the wrong song, but you stepped it up." Check. Piers: "I think this show is two years too early for you. Come back two years and you could win this." Check. Tyler: The only leg up they had on Jessica was their legs. I mean they moved around much better than stiff Jessica. Otherwise, they did not sound good at all. There was even less vocal chemistry than last time. Doesn't help that I loathe Bobby Brown and the song. 5 out of 10 and I'm Xing them. N'Versity tells Regis they believe the judges were nicer this time. I know I wasn't. Backstage, Cassie (I think) says they were hurt last time when Brandy said they were trying to be thirty. This time, they listened to her advice and it worked. Can Natasha Le the young pianist possibly make up for the last two acts? Natasha says she found out about the Wildcards while sewing on her bed. Does this mean she makes her own performance outfits? If America's Got Talent doesn't work for you, try Project Runway, Natasha. Natasha is excited to play a rock'n'roll-infused classical number during which she flips over her bench and does a bit of singing. David: "I don't know if you can say this on TV, but you just kick ass, girl. I'm proud that you had the guts to take a chance like that." Check. Brandy: "It looked like you had more fun with the soulful stuff. I enjoyed it." Check. Jerk: "I didn't like that. I think you could be a great classical pianist. Let's face it – you can't sing. The only thing shaking were my eardrums." X. Tyler: Now that's what I'm talking about, David & Dania. This is how you keep your act from getting stale! I was definitely enthralled by Natasha. Unfortunately, Natasha can't sing, so that kept her from a 9. But I'll be generous and Check her with an 8.5 out of 10. Piers may have been right about David & Dania staying the same, but he was wrong about Natasha switching it up. Regis reminds us all that Natasha is only eight years old. I know that's impressive, but it really shouldn't matter, should it? Backstage, Natasha knows things got a little crazy, but hopes America liked it. She even blows us a kiss. Okay, now that was cute. Brandy's second choice is Alexis Jordan. Gee, a little obsessed with young singers, aren't we? As soon as she became a Wildcard, Alexis started practicing everywhere that she could. Alexis is shocked Brandy picked her because she gave her a lot of criticism, but she turned the negative energy into positive energy. Unfortunately, Alexis didn't understand that Brandy's criticism was constructive, and she was only trying to help. Even more unfortunately, Alexis dives into the diva songbook once again with "I Believe in You and Me." David: "The first time, you had me in tears. You're too young for that song. Terrific singer, but absolutely the wrong choice of song." Check. Okay, David. Find an opinion and stick with it. Brandy: "I have to be a little tough on you. I believe in you, and I know you can go far. You were trying to be too old. You're more talented than what you showed tonight." X. Piers: "Have I heard a different performance than the two of you? I thought it was brilliant. You are a potential star and may well go through. You lack a little confidence, but you were hot." Check. Sigh. Tyler: The good news? Alexis was the best pure singer of the evening. The bad news? She still didn't entertain me. She had some good moments, but ultimately I feel her advancement would be a mistake. 6 out of 10, and I'm sorry but she has to get Xed. If you're reading this, Alexis, keep singing and practicing. And if someone mentions something about "runs" or "song choice" while criticizing you, learn from what they say. If the criticism is nothing but "You suck," just ignore it because you don't suck. Regis asks Brandy if she has anything else to say. Brandy just asks Alexis to listen to what she said. Brandy has a very good point. She became a big star at a very young age, so Brandy knows what to do and what not to do. Backstage, Alexis is crying over the negative things Brandy said. Okay, I'm sorry, Alexis, but Brandy was only trying to help you improve. Not all criticism is completely negative, and you won't always be spot on. I learned this the hard way, and I don't want you to share the same fate, Miss Jordan. Unfortunately, that attitude brought your score down to a 5.5. The final act is David's second choice, Leonid the Magnificent. Here's the question – what the hell? Leonid was surprised to get a spot in the Wildcard show, let alone from "Mr. Hoff." Leonid has shown us his sword-balancing talent and his cubic baton twirling talent. Now, he will show us his hula hoop talent. And, of course, more of that ridiculous yet compelling showmanship along with some rather… interesting clothing choices. All to a medley of "I'm Coming Out" and "I Like the Way You Move." Piers: While Piers is speaking, Leonid is lying down rather seductively. Should I be worried? "You're like a boomerang – I keep tossing you aside, and you keep coming back. If this show was called America's Got Absolutely Ridiculous Imbeciles, you'd win. You are possibly the least talented person in this competition." X. Leonid: "If I am no longer in this competition, I can go have Christmas with you! Jingle bells, jingle bells..." Piers: "You are not something I look forward to in my Christmas stocking." David: X. "You're just scaring me. You are very entertaining and that's why I brought you back." Brandy: "I'm going to hurry up, because he's scaring me, too." Check. Tyler: Okay, I want to see Beacher's Madhouse again. I know this guy won't win the million, let alone make it to the finale. Still, Leonid just proved that he can entertain. Plus, he's a versatile guy and definitely worth a visit. Call me crazy, but I'm giving him an 8 out of 10 and a Check. Smeg off, Piers and David! Regis sits down right in Leonid's crotch vicinity. Leonid thanks David for bringing him back. He then brings a bouquet and throws it to David while "The Wedding March" plays. Leonid exits on the hanging hoop. It's official – Leonid is an entertainer! Backstage, Leonid says he was great and flawless. He asks for our votes. I'm comfortable in my masculinity enough to throw a vote his way! So who do I think should have made the wildcard show? If I was a judge on this show, I'd have brought back Vladik and Team AcroDunk. Mark the Knife is another possibility. And maybe even Aaron Burr, because a fan e-mailed me twice about how she believes in him so much. Anyway, here's how I rank the ten Wildcards who did perform: Nathan Burton All That Natasha Le Bobby Badfingers Leonid the Magnificent Corina Brouder Jessica Sanchez Alexis Jordan N'Versity David & Dania And the judges have decided that the ninth member of the Top Ten is... ALL THAT!! http://www.realitynewsonline.com/cgi-bin/ae.pl?mode=4&article=article6338.art&page=1

America's Got Talent, August 10: The Tenth on the Tenth by Tyler Sandersfeld -- 08/11/2006 Last night the ten wildcards showed us their stuff in order to claim the last two places in the final. Nathan Burton was magical, while the young singers tried songs too old for them. With nine finalists decided and nine waiting for fate, it's 9 o'clock (at least on the east coast) and time for results! Here we go, ladies, gentlemen, and Leonid the Magnificent. Tonight, we trek through another hour worth of marshmallow filling to find out who rounds out the Top Ten! As usual, we begin with a recap of last night's episode. Here's a summary: Three singing acts--Alexis Jordan, Jessica Sanchez, and N'Versity--didn't quite amaze everyone. Nathan Burton was cool with a magical napkin of snow. Bobby Badfingers heated up the stage. Natasha Le shook up her act, and Piers Morgan shook up David & Dania, the couple who can change their clothes quickly, but not their act. Piers wanted to see more of Corina's family. We got to see more of Leonid the Magnificent, who is being attacked by wild animals tonight. Or maybe it's just a fur outfit. In the end, hot cloggers All That earned the judges' vote for the Top Ten. Regis asks N'Versity, Corina Brouder, and Bobby Badfingers to step forward. As we all know, these three received the three lowest amounts of votes. I find that rather surprising in the case of Bobby Badfingers, though it was pretty obvious none of these three would win. My favorite Nathan Burton is still alive, as are David & Dania, the bane of my existence at the moment. Next week, it will probably be Jack Thompson again. It is time for Round Five of the America's Got Talent "Crazy Caliber Talent" con-*test*-('"). Wacky Act #1 is Miles and Matt, the Sizzle Twins. At first, they seem like ordinary jugglers. Then they strip down to their skivvies while juggling! Well, at least it was better than Bernie Barker. Wacky Act #2 is Nikolo Ashford. A ninth-degree black belt training for thirty years, Nikolo will break some boards and a cinder block--on his unprotected groin. It's really something you have to see with your hands covering your eyes. Wacky Act #3 is Jim McDonald from Chicago. While "Play That Funky Music" plays, the middle-aged Jim does some hula hoop tricks. Not quite basic, but nowhere near advanced. Bo-ring! Wacky Act #4 is Paul Amahosh(?) from Texas, a.k.a. The Rubberband Kid. Dressed up in a black cowboy outfit, he performs some rubber band sharp-shooting. He hits all three tossed targets out of the air. Pretty cool, actually! Regis asks for the Kid to shoot a can off his unprotected groin... err... head. The Kid hits the can, and earns my respect. The final Wacky Act is Dave Nakfoor from Dewitt, Michigan. He gives Regis, the judges, and an audience member some hard-boiled eggs so they can throw them for Dave to catch with his mouth. This is actually quite fun to watch, and it gets the audience into the act. If it were up to me, I'd choose The Rubberband Kid. And the winner is... Dave Nakfoor! There goes my perfect streak. Oh, well. Dave was fun to watch. He will join Rudi Macaggi, The Douglas Lee, Duane Flatmo and The Great Stamen Show in the Weird ‘N’ Wacky finale next week for a 2007 Dodge Caliber RT. And now, for our special guest, the kings of weird and wacky magic and stars of Showtime's Bull****... Penn & Teller! I love these guys. Penn says they are rooting for the Passing Zone. Penn & Teller's act combines bright red suits, cheesy dancing, and splitting Teller into three pieces in an opaque box. Of course, they show us how it is done as they do many times. It was actually pretty obvious to me, but it's still quite cool to watch. Now for some real business. David & Dania, Alexis Jordan, and Jessica Sanchez are the first to find out. Jessica gets a special good luck message via satellite from her father Gilbert, who is currently stationed in Iraq. The first act in the top two is... David & Dania. I throw my mouse against the wall, and thank whoever that I throw like a girl. Piers reiterates the fact that while David & Dania are very talented at what they do (and I agree), they said they have an hour-long show. They have to show more tricks worthy of an hour show, since they've only shown the same 90 seconds three times. Brandy and David vehemently disagree, and I'm starting to wonder if they actually understand the point of this show. Or maybe I don't understand. This is why I suggested a five-week finals with the final two performing for a full hour without Regis or judges. Now it's time for Leonid the Magnificent, Natasha Le and my man Nathan Burton. I don't really care which one make it, as long as he or she beats David & Dania. The second act in the Top Two is... Nathan Burton!!! So it is magic comedy vs. magic clothing for the Top Ten. Regis asks Nathan if he resents Penn & Teller showing how a trick is done. Nathan doesn't because it's all part of their headlining show. I like this guy so much! Nathan has a new trick to show us tonight involving toilet paper, a toilet, and a guy in a cop suit, who I believe was the "burnt Nathan" in the Microwave of Doom trick. He flushes a "cop" down the toilet, who just plain disappears! I'm telling you, if Nathan loses out to David & Dania, I'll need a new keyboard. And maybe a new monitor, too! The Hoff believes America made a good choice. Piers notes that Nathan smiles a lot and asks David & Dania if they can bring something different if they make it. David snipes back, but then promises a different routine. Brandy and the Hoff are certain David & Dania will advance. And now, the final act to perform in the million-dollar finale, which will probably be disappointing since it's only for one week, is... DAVID & DANIA! http://www.realitynewsonline.com/cgi-bin/ae.pl?mode=4&article=article9812.art&page=1

America's Got Talent, August 16: Pop Goes Perfection by Tyler Sandersfeld -- 08/17/2006 Ten acts. Three now-useless judges. One million dollars. Can't describe it much better than that. The finalists strive for perfection tonight, and two actually achieve it. However, only one is the good kind of perfect. Is it The Passing Zone (right)? Find out who does how well inside! Here we go, ladies, gentlemen, and Mom (happy birthday!). It is the moment we've all been waiting for. Tonight is the last performance night of the season, meaning you don't have to waste your valuable Wednesdays anymore, at least not until the new season in January. If they decide to air AGT against American Idol, I will induct NBC into my very own Hall of Absolute Stupidity. However, according to the most reliable source on the web (Wikipedia), season two of America's Got Talent will air on Sundays at 8/7c without a results show. Oh, great, now I have to tape The Simpsons, too! After losing my cool for the fourth time last week over David & Dania advancing over Nathan Burton, I am proud to say my computer is fixed and ready to recap. Though, for a while, my e's and o's were switched (anyone who gets that reference gets a roll of duct tape). Hepofully, that preblom wen't eccur tee badly tenight. Before we get to the nitty-gritty, we fish in the darker times of the show. It's a montage of almost every single televised act of the show. We relive everything from the chubby checkered cheerboys of the Chicago Matadors to the one point in time when JR Johns actually made us cheer. Vladik, Kenny Shelton, and Mark the Knife passed the auditions, despite the Hoff's uncomfortable relationship with jugglers. Matthew Fuhrman and Dave the Horn Guy did not please Piers, while Leonid the Magnificent outright embarrassed him. The Holy Cow could make preschoolers very happy, but Bernie Barker could make them blind. Shawn Crump was an undeserving lump, and Nathan Burton was undeservedly dumped. Team AcroDunk wasn't quite talented enough while S. Frank Stringham wasn't even close. The cheesy Bobby Badfingers and the sleazy Michelle L'amour might make a cute couple. Sharon Kissane had birds on the brain. Not even Who Wants to Be a Superhero's Tonya Kay could save Trey Knight's Stilt World, and no one wanted to save Ten13Concept or Dave Smith. Tappers Sean & John, singer Betty Victor, and loser Jay Myl all fell before the judges and America. Buster Balloon was a bust, Leonid wasn't magnificent enough, and the King Charles Troupe wasn't near royalty. And then there was Flippy the Magnificent, the Boofont Sisters, the Shadow Dancers, and Eddie Haskell (shudder). After another quick clip of Lilia Stepanova, we are reminded of the Final Ten. Here they are again in order of advancement: The Millers: a rocking band of two brothers, Cole and L.D., from Lafayette, Indiana; Judges' Choice for Week One. Taylor Ware: 11-year-old country singer and yodelist from Franklin, Tennessee; America's Choice for Week One. Realis: A hand-acrobatics duo of Arthur Davis and Shenea Booth; Judges' Choice for Week Two. At Last: Self-proclaimed "hip-hop-apella" group consisting of Mike, Hans, DJ, and Justin from Los Angeles: America's Choice for Week Two. The Rappin' Granny: a.k.a. Vivian Smallwood from Castaic, California: Judges' Choice for Week Three. Bianca Ryan: 11-year-old soul singer from Philadelphia; America's Choice for Week Three. The Passing Zone: Comedic juggling duo of Jon & Owen; Judge's Choice of Week Four. Celtic Spring: Wood family, Irish dancers and musicians from Ojai, California; America's Choice of Week Four. All That: Clogging fivesome of Myrtle Beach, South Carolina; Judges' Choice of Wildcard Week David & Dania: Quick Change artists from Chicago who won't change their act; America's Choice of Wildcard Week Tonight, I'm going to be a little harder on the finalists since this is the million-dollar show, and only million-dollar acts will get my checks. I'm still giving scores out of 10, but in order to earn a real check, an act must earn at least an 8! Any score 7 or below is an automatic X. As before, there's a grey area, this time between 7 and 8. Understand? No? Good! The first finalist act to perform is At Last. The four are not only bandmates, they’re roommates too. We see them practice, read fan mail, and live like normal young people. Boring! Each finalist received a special coaching visit from an expert in their field, and At Last lands eight-time Grammy winner Chaka Khan! The group is excited, and Chaka feels for them. After some training on "seamlessness," Chaka believes At Last is a rare talent among a field of non-talent. Tonight, At Last will sing "Killing Me Softly," this time with a few drums in the background. David: "You have America and the audience behind you. To me, you didn't need the drums, dancers, or confetti. Your appeal is your heart, and it comes through in your music." Check. Brandy: "I was expecting a little bit more because the first two times were phenomenal. You still have amazing talent and your voices blend so well together." Check. Piers: "The act that will win this competition is the one that thought about it and got better each time. I can see you guys doing a ninety-minute show. It was bigger and better." Check. Tyler: Unfortunately, I must make my first critical point of the night with these former favorites. Doesn't "a capella" mean "without instruments?" The drums, strangely enough, completely blasted me out of the performance. Plus, I just don't think the guys were as "on" as they were the first two times we saw them. I want to like them, but I don't think they gave a winner tonight. For a check with six zeroes following a one, At Last only musters a 6.5 out of 10. That's an X tonight. Regis reminds America that the judges have absolutely no official power tonight. Aside from their opinions, they cannot decide who moves on or goes home. Backstage, the guy with the spiky hair (Justin?) thanks America for their support and hopes they did well enough for their votes. Next to perform is (sigh) David & Dania. In case you don't remember, the husband-wife team performs quick change magic. Dania does most of the changing, due to what I believe is easier-to-switch dresses. David is a man, but he can change, if he has to, I guess (anyone who gets that reference gets another roll of duct tape). Anyway, we find out they have a 13-year-old son named Danny who travels with his parents sometimes, but currently needs to attend school in Chicago. Quick Change’s expert is Steven Valentine. Not only is he conveniently from NBC's Crossing Jordan, but Steven is also an award-winning close-up magician. Steven does nothing but praise them and rag on Piers. He really does nothing to help them improve. This only spells trouble. They hope changing a few (and I mean few) wardrobe pieces and some assistance from Brandy in two dresses we've seen before will win them the million. David: "The good news is you don't have to impress Piers because he can't vote tonight. You were absolutely on your game tonight and you utilized other people tonight. Unbelievable!" Check. Piers: "It takes a magician to take Brandy, who looked fabulous, and put her into one of those ridiculous outfits." QC David: "We have changed the content of our act several times. Some of the comments you've made throughout the competition were unfounded and completely below the belt. As a judge, which you may not be qualified for, you shouldn't be allowed to belittle someone, and that's what you've done." Piers: "You're like hanging someone – the more rope we give you to speak with, the worse it gets. You are without any doubt the most hilariously arrogant guy in this competition. Although this audience, like every other first audience, loved it, for me it was another performance of the same old trick." X. Stop booing the correct one, audience! Tyler: If you remember my critiques from the last two times they repeated the exact same routine, then you'll know that I will not give them a Check or a good score. I would have given them one point for at least attempting a new trick (the disappearing champagne bottle? Come on!), the NBC suit and dress, and Brandy's involvement (honestly, if Brandy can do it now, it mustn't be that special), but David's unimaginable arrogance forces me to give them the first and hopefully only perfect 0 out of 10. America, if you give them the million dollars, I'm moving to France. Backstage, David continues his tirade into shame by saying Piers is disqualified and should go home. You know, a fan who wishes to remain anonymous without exact quotes told me a few interesting things. This person admits to formerly assisting David & Dania, and divulges that the art of quick changing is not only practiced by quite a few other performers, but was passed down through families like Dania's. Plus, whenever they perform a longer set, David resorts to other lame tricks, like the "magic wand of flowers." If David continues this kind of arrogant behavior tomorrow, I'll be campaigning for a Reality TV Hall of Shame induction. Third up is Vivian Smallwood. You know her better as The Rappin' Granny. She and her son have been working together for a long time now. Sonny boy (I don't know his name) loves how that's his mother busting rhymes up on stage. Everyone loves to be around her, especially when she cooks for the group. Thanks to some clever editing, it looks like Granny can even play basketball (not much worse than the King Charles Troupe, though). Granny's special coach is rap mogul and Reality TV Hall of Shame Inductee Master P(ercy Miller). Granny is visibly thrilled. P is glad to see rap influence all generations. He doesn't really give much useful advice, though, other than his support. Let's see if Rappin' Granny can get a lovely 401K with "Granny Time." Brandy: "Everyone wishes their grandmother was like you. You are hot! Your raspy voice is easy to listen to!" Check. Piers: "This is serious. You are a great entertainer, but reluctantly it is not a million-dollar talent." X. David: "You're not worth a million dollars, you're worth two million dollars. You danced well tonight, and you upped your show!" Check. Granny: "I love you all! You too, Piers!" See, Quick Change David? This is why I like Rappin' Granny and not YOU! Tyler: I wish she were my grandmother, but I also wish she was a little deeper in her rapping tonight. She has a great style and some good rhyming skills, but in a big finale like this, you just need a little more oomph. As Piers said, I don't think Vivian is going to win the big prize, but if you're reading this, Vivi, I'd love to hang with you sometime. 7 out of 10, so unfortunately that's not enough for me tonight. X. Regis compliments Vivian on her dress and wig, and asks to keep the wig. Backstage, Granny recalls Piers' "not worth a million" comment and David's "worth two million" remark, then asks for America to decide. Can I bump her up a little to a 7.25 and Check her anyway? I love her! Last time, tonight's fourth performer Bianca Ryan kind of disappointed me, but America disagreed and sent her through in week three. Bianca went to a school pep rally for her, where many students clad in Bianca fanclothes get autographs. Her special coach is two-time Grammy winner and gospel legend Yolanda Adams. Bianca absolutely adores Yolanda and values her as a hero. Better than me – I've never heard of her before. The two sing "And I Am Telling You" together, and though the harmony is a bit shaky, it still sounds great. Yolanda loves how Bianca has the ability to reach the soul of the listener, something many singers don't learn for years and years. Yolanda couldn't find much to teach her. Oh, there's always something. I don't know what, though. Can Bianca win back my love with "I Am Changing?" Piers: "You changed your hair, dress, ditched your shoes and picked a better song, so I think you're gonna win the competition." Check. Brandy: "I wanna go practice, that's how good you are. You go girl!" Check. David: "You reminded me of Liza Minelli. She's a versatile star and makes people feel things, and that's who you are. You are truly the best in this competition." Check. Tyler: I first heard this song when Lisa Tucker hit a home run with it on American Idol. Not only did Bianca hit a home run, the ball landed in France! If David & Dania win, I'll find that ball when I move there. Bianca may have stolen Nathan Burton's spot, but not only did she earn it this time, she completely made up for week three's letdown. I already gave one kind of perfect score tonight, so I better give the other one: 10 out of 10! Backstage, Bianca was shocked to hear such nice words coming from Piers. Why? You killed it! Rounding out the first hour is All That. We finally learn that their names are Mike (leader), Mark, Kent, Brian, and Dylan. The five started solo, but met through clogging competitions. Mike talks about friendship and closeness and zzzz... Dylan helps shed some light on the audition process. They auditioned in New York, and two weeks later they were called to perform in Los Angeles for the judges' auditions. Dave Scott, choreographer for B2K, Brian McKnight, You Got Served, and others, stops by. This time, the coach actually coaches the act! He throws out challenges and shows them some moves. He is clearly impressed by the quintet. Tonight's dance is mostly to the beat of a drumline. Neat! David: "I love your clogging and attitudes. Bianca now has a run for her money." Check. Brandy: "I agree with David." Check. Piers: "At first, you looked very yesteryear. I look at you now and you look like talented stars." Check. Tyler: If consistent wowitude was the only factor in deciding the winner, All That could buy Ferraris tonight and not worry about it tomorrow. Great moves, great energy, great outfits, great touch with the drumline! The only thing that threw me off was the unnecessary blindfold bit. Still, if they win, I will definitely not complain. 9 out of 10 and Checksville, baby! Regis asks about the loose ties. Mike says tightening them would make them feel funny, so the loose style gave them some attitude. Backstage, Mike says they are five American boys giving us what we want in an hour-and-a-half show. Um, it's two hours, man! Competing for Bianca's 11-year-old vocal crown is Taylor Ware. Aw, look at her pretty horsey! Aw, look at her pretty friends! Aw, look at her pretty town which named August 16 "Taylor Ware Day!" At registration, Mrs. Ware wanted to give up throughout the twelve-hour wait, but Taylor persisted and conquered. She thanks the support from her parents and little brother. Who does she get for a special coach? Actually, she gets two! Dollywood Manager Tom McBryde and music producer Tom Reeves play with Taylor and get her up to speed, literally. Tonight, Taylor will sing "Little Bitty" and hope to make Tennessee proud. Brandy: "I love your style and your yodeling. But tonight, I wasn't feeling your performance as much as your earlier ones. I wanted you to start yodeling sooner." Belated Check. Piers: "You were sensational. You look great, everything around you worked, and you sounded like a country star." Check. David: "I think tonight, I lost a little connection. But you turned it on again with the yodeling. You are a young Reba, and you can have your own show." Check. Tyler: I think Taylor's nerves got to her tonight. Her singing was audibly shakier than usual, and she seemed to run out of gas near the end. Still, I was entertained, but she might have lost the million. 7.5 out of 10, and she still earns a Check and my hope that Taylor has a fantastic career for the rest of her long life. Regis points out Taylor's little brother cheering her on and learning to yodel himself. Backstage, Taylor yodels a little with her family and hopes America liked her performance. And now, for two guys named Jon & Owen. It's The Passing Zone! After quickly seeing their families, Jon reminds us of the two meeting at a juggling convention and working full-time for 18 years. Owen's daughter thinks Jon is very funny. The kids ask for hamburgers, but the daddies procrastinate in favor of practicing. The wives says their jugglers can be funny, sexy, and entertaining, but... are mostly funny. Zing! Last week, Penn & Teller performed on the results show. This week, they're here to have fun with Jon & Owen. I never knew Penn could pass juggle! P&T ask J&O to juggle lit torches, and P&T will put them out "with their minds." Turns out their minds look an awful lot like fire extinguishers! When it comes to combining comedy and amazing feats, these two groups might be unsurpassed, especially Penn & Teller. Tonight's act has a special guest juggler – David Hasselhoff, whose restraining order against jugglers has officially expired. They set up Hasselhoff between them and prepare to juggle sickles, making jokes about dropping them. Then they give him a helmet to hold torches and have him hold rods on which they balance spinning plates. At the end, one throws a bag of confetti on the other, but no quick change of clothes occurs, just an amusing joke. Brandy: "Great job tonight! I loved how you switched everything up. Good job, David! I'm really glad you're in the final." Check. Piers: "We've seen probably 25 jugglers, and almost all of them gone wrong and dropped. The one time you want someone to drop something, you get it right. I would pay one million dollars to see a sickle chop off his hair. You've thrown this competition wide open because you are very clever and professional." Check. Tyler: Alone, the comedy or the juggling just wouldn't pass my muster. Together, Jon & Owen really make it work. Combining danger, humor, and David Hasselhoff in one act and entertaining so well is a great talent indeed. And poking fun at both drops and David & Dania? Fantastic! That alone bumps their score up to a well-deserved 9.5 out of 10 and a Check. Please come to Iowa sometime! Backstage, Jon & Owen are proud that since David has now become a juggler, the universe has come full circle. Please, America! Vote for them more than David & Dania! Celtic Spring has a lot to follow. Thanks to Wikipedia, I have finally learned the names of the Wood family. The parents are Greg and Mary, and the children are Elizabeth (20), Deirdre (18), Sean (16), Patrick (14), Maire (10), and Aidan (6?). Mary confesses to raising her family in nature, literature, and music rather than television and video games. So that's why I'm so twisted today! Everyone has their own pet, be it goat, gerbil, bunny, chicken, or pig. They meet Tara Barry of Riverdance, the insanely popular Irish dancing show I so want to see! For once, Tara actually points out a problem in the dancing and helps the Woods fix it. Thank you, Tara! Does the Wood family have the "Amazing Grace" to win this show? David: "Last time, you guys were more in sync. Tonight, I think the individual parts took away from the performance. Still, you pulled it off." Check. Brandy: "I really felt the beginning. Great job." Check. Piers: "My point remains the same: the five (older kids) are incredibly talented. 'Amazing Grace' is just so cheesy. If the American audience keeps voting for cheesy grins and songs, it won't convince me." X. Mr. Wood: "Piers, you are still one of our three favorite judges." Nice! Tyler: Daaaaayuuuum! That was hot! True, some of the individual bits were a little out of place, and the little brother is still not skilled enough to be anything other than a cute face. But I loved the all-violin version of "Amazing Grace," and the dancing was fantastic! 8.5 out of 10, and how do you say "Check and shove off, Piers" in Gaelic? Backstage, I believe Elizabeth thanks America for the support that has "awed" them and, naturally, ask for our votes. Maybe I will throw one your way. The penultimate finalist is Realis. The two met when their former partners quit and coaches left them. They decided to practice together and have been together ever since. Though they practice a lot, they still have time for friendship. Gene Lubas, choreographer of Cirque du Soleil's Zumanity, has some advice for Realis: "tell a story, keep a theme, I loved the double front flip." Can Realis follow Gene's advice and outperform acts like Bianca, All That, and The Passing Zone? Piers: "As usual, very good. I didn't like the music and thus the performance was slightly not there. The acrobatics are incredible, I just wish you picked better music." Check. Brandy: "You guys are incredible athletes. It was edgy and raw, and you had the dance element. Forget about what Piers says." Check. David: "This competition is so diversified. Your act is one of a kind. Spectacular as usual." Check. Tyler: I think Cirque du Soleil would love for these two to join. There seemed to be a few near misses in that performance, and that's what took me away instead of the music, which I actually liked. If it wasn't for that, I might have scored them higher since they were great again. 7.5 out of 10, but a smaller check than other acts of the night. Regis reminds us that Realis is a two-time acrobatic gymnastics champion act. He asks Arthur if they ever miss. Arthur admits to missing in practice, so they practice a lot in order to avoid missing in a performance. True, if rather obvious. Backstage, it's yet another "we hope you loved us; vote for us" spiel. Can't these guys get original with these segments? The Millers will finish off this million-dollar performance show. We mostly see Cole and L.D. play with the rest of their family, which is very important to them. Who better to coach the brothers, especially L.D., than Blues Travelers' legendary leadman John Popper? John shows L.D. a trick with the "harp" and L.D. seems to pick it up quickly. John thinks L.D. has a huge career in front of him no matter what. Cole doesn't get any love, however. The final performance of the season will be "Hard to Handle." David: "Terrific! You stepped up the unity between the both of you. L.D., you are the best harmonica player I have ever seen. Fantastic job, Cole." Check. Brandy: "Your act is the reason America should vote." Check. Piers: "L.D., you are a genius harmonica player, but instead of sacking your brother, you promoted him. Suddenly, it became all about Cole's completely average singing. The audience enjoyed it, but I think you blew it." X. Tyler: I think I'm starting to transform into Piers Morgan. Help! Anyway, I think L.D. is great. After all, he's already part of Beacher's Madhouse. However, Cole's singing leaves a lot to be desired. Overall, it just didn't work out as well as it could have been. L.D. gets a 9, Cole gets a 5, and together they get a 7 out of 10. Sorry, but that's an X. L.D. tells Regis that he can't change Piers' opinion so they'll just take something positive out of it. Thanks to that, I'm bumping them up to 7.25 so I can check them. This is the kind of attitude Quick Change David and Alexis Jordan need to adopt. Regis loves how L.D. stomps around "like a little Frankenstein." Heh. Backstage, "hope; vote" speech from Cole. Finally, the Hoff reminds America that this is America's opportunity alone to award an act one million smackers. He also announces Blue Man Group's performance Thursday night. Although the audience doesn't react that much, I wet my pants! I love Blue Man Group! Anyway, time for my final ranking of the season: TONIGHT Bianca Ryan The Passing Zone All That Celtic Spring Taylor Ware Realis Rappin' Granny The Millers At Last That useless announcer guy after the commercials David & Dania OVERALL The Passing Zone All That Bianca Ryan Taylor Ware At Last Realis Celtic Spring The Millers Rappin' Granny A mosquito bite David & Dania What a great night of performances! Three acts have a real chance for the check, three proved they deserved to make it this far, three still showed they have the potential for great careers, and one earned my full-fledged furor. I'm learning my past-tense conjugations in the hopefully slight chance that I'll be kicking back in Paris for the rest of my life. Anyway, check out David Bloomberg, Ashley Lundy, and Ed Hampton over on Foxes on Idol for “We’ll Be the Judge of That!” Did they agree with me, or would they say I was completely off my rocker... more so than usual? Tomorrow, we'll witness the final round of the Crazy Caliber competition, a song from Aly & AJ, a performance from the kings of odd yet amazing talent Blue Man Group (I've already wet two pairs of underwear!), and of course the winner of America's Got Talent. Can the amazing consistency of All That or The Passing Zone overcome Bianca Ryan's mindblowing performance? Will Celtic Spring, Taylor Ware, or some other act pull off an upset? Should I start developing a taste for escargot? I'll be a little busy tomorrow night, so my recap will most likely be up Friday morning, but it won't be any worse than usual (because I don't know if that's possible). http://www.realitynewsonline.com/cgi-bin/ae.pl?mode=4&article=article6359.art&page=1

America's Got Talent, The Finale: You Mean It's Over? by Tyler Sandersfeld -- 08/18/2006 Well, it's here, folks. With this one show, one act will win one million dollars. By the end, Tyler is more bummed than excited. Why is this? Who wins the Crazy Caliber side competition? Why is Tyler investing in Depends? And, oh yeah, who wins the big money? Here we go, ladies, gentlemen, and whatever alien race Piers belongs to. Tonight, one act among three very deserving numbers, six strong finalists, and (sigh) David & Dania will leave the stage one million dollars richer! Before the announcement, we must dredge through yet another hour of guest performers, weird acts, and complete uselessness. Starting with Column C, we take a look back at the auditions too bad to get lambasted by the judges, all to the tune of "You're No Good." At the registrations, apparently all hopeful acts performed a little for a camera in front of an AGT backdrop. Some acts, like a pie-pan juggler, some young baton twirlers, and a few (un)trained dog acts make me very glad that they got weeded out before hitting the big stage. At least Flippy the Magnificent and the Shadow Dancers were more fluid and confident in their lousiness. There's even a failed quick change act, very similar to the one we know and loathe! Looks like David & Dania weren't the only ones to register. Plus, you can see the first dress stuck to the second, so that gives a huge clue to how the trick is done! Now I'm very glad that I saw this, heh heh heh... Regis is ready to introduce the first special guest performer of the evening. He knows him better than anyone else, and I should hope so. It's Regis himself! And wow, I never knew he could sing... so badly. Thank whoever you believe in that Nathan Burton is back! And he's conjured up some friends – literally! Michelle L'amour, Bobby Badfingers, Kenny Shelton, and Dave the Horn Guy all appear in Nathan's apparatuses (apparati?) and perform their talents. Of course, we need the Holy Cow and the two Magnificents (Leonid and Flippy) to add more color than what was once thought to be humanly possible. Before the show starts again, it's an "America's Got Talent Salutes..." bit featuring Eric "Harry Carrey" Mol, the impressionist who could only mimic a skunk due to how much he stunk. Now, it is time for the final round of the Crazy Caliber Talent competition. Act #1 is Rudi Macaggi, winner of Week One. Instead of lip syncing to opera and tumbling in a fat suit, he tap dances on his hands and dribbles a basketball while doing a handstand. Plus, he backflips onto a hanging wire! All while shouting "I like you" and "intelligent" in his ridiculous accent! Very entertaining! The other four finalists must feel like they're following an elephant in a two-hour bran parade. Act #2 is Duane Flatmo of Eureka, California, winner of Week Three, "the Weird Music Round." He plays a classic Mexican tune on a guitar with an electric mixer. Not only can it play a mean guitar, it can make good cookie dough! Then he takes another "whack" by weeding three guitars at once. Unfortunately, Duane falls victim to JR-Johns-itis by having the act fall apart unpleasantly, even if it's supposed to. How often must I say that this does NOT work?! Act #3 is The Great Stamen Show, winner of Week Four, "the Musical Body Parts Round." The tooth-player plays a famous classical number that I cannot name, but overall it's a meh-ness to society. Maybe he and Bobby Badfingers could form a band. Act #4 is The Douglas Lee, winner of Week Two. Thankfully, he ditched the Doctor Who scarf, yet kept those celery stalks on his head. Oh, wait, that's his hair. Anyway, Douglas plays "Anicha's Dance" and "We Will Rock You" on the water glasses. He's pretty good, and probably the second best so far. Not nearly as entertaining as Rudi, though. Finally, Act #5 is Dave Nakfoor of Dewitt, Michigan, winner of Week Five. It's too bad that he falls victim to David-and-Dania-itis by repeating essentially the exact same act, though to be fair how much can you do with catching eggs in your mouth? For me, the winner is very obviously Rudi Macaggi. But who did the audience like the most? The winner, and recipient of a brand new 2007 Dodge Caliber RT is... RUDI MACAGGI! Congratulations, Rudi, because I like you! This guy was more entertaining than Leonid the Magnificent! Say, Rudi, you might like to check out this show in Vegas called Beacher's Madhouse... Before we get to the reason I bought a package of Depends, it's an "America's Got Talent Salutes..." for Kenny Shelton. Through this, we learn that Kenny almost killed himself (you bastard!) by hitting himself with a baseball bat at the registration. And he still makes the semi-finals! What a world. Thankfully, I got my diaper on just in time for the next guest of the evening... BLUE MAN GROUP! Not only do they play the PVC pipes and the piano (though definitely not in the traditional method), they play BABA O'REILLY! I love that song, and the backing band assists the blue guys perfectly! I'm not thrilled by the singer, but come on, people. This is BLUE freakin' MAN freakin' freakin' GROUP!! And, of course, they bring out the water drums! I love this show! I don't care if I need to bring two packs of adult diapers with me – I am seeing this show someday! And now, "America's Got Talent Salutes... Leonid the Magnificent." We relive all of the Magnificent feats while listening to the Diana Ross anthem "I'm Coming Out." As entertaining as he is, you have to feel like he set a certain movement back twenty years. It makes me sick to see Leonid enslaving those poor feathers just yearning to float free. Hopefully the Feathers-Rights Act passes Congress soon. Anyway, the next guest act is Aly & AJ. Even if I hadn't already spent all my enthusiasm on BMG, I still wouldn't care about Disney-radio bubblegum like "Chemicals React." Next! The moment of truth has arrived. Five acts are called forward: Rappin' Granny, Realis, David & Dania, At Last, and The Passing Zone. This leaves Celtic Spring, Bianca Ryan, Taylor Ware, The Millers, and All That in the other. Regis announces that one group has the highest votes, and the other has the lowest. It should be pretty obvious which group is which, and sure enough the forward group is out. I didn't think Rappin' Granny or Realis could win. At Last was very disappointing and David & Dania, well, repeated the same routine for the fourth time. As for The Passing Zone, what is wrong with you, America? I know Taylor and the Millers were pretty good, but The Passing Zone was amazing! Not just last night, but throughout the whole competition. They deserved Top Five, if not Top Three. Of course, they might have made Top Five or Three if there were more weeks in the finals... The top five, interestingly enough, contains all four finalists that had little kids in it. And All That, who have kicked butt all throughout the competition. All That and The Millers are called forward next, and unfortunately both acts are cut. Still, the two acts are announced as the runners-up, so both acts win Dodge Caliber RTs, as presented by Leonid. This means the winner is either Taylor Ware, Bianca Ryan, or Celtic Spring. Before the announcement, the judges have something to say. David calls them all winners and thanks the finalists for everything. Brandy basically repeats David's sentiments. Piers tries to be nice and believes all the finalists, including David & Dania, have talent and proved America does. And now, the winner of America's Got Talent, season one, is... BIANCA RYAN!! Well, at least she deserved it. She obviously cannot believe she won the big prize. She is speechless! Bianca is asked to sing us out, and... they cut right away to Windfall. Jerks! That's the end of the first season of America's Got Talent, and rest assured that I will return for season two, barring an assassination attempt by a fellow RNO writer in order to usurp my job. However, I think we all know season two will need major renovation if it's to keep my interest and earn my full respect. First of all, fire Regis! Seriously, tonight should have been the grea-*test*-('") -*test*-('")ament of his hosting duties. Instead, I think we can all agree that he stunk! Second, find better judges. Brandy and David were too nice to the acts, especially to most of the young ones. Brandy sometimes had constructive criticism, but other times refused to vote no even though we know she hated an act. David, on the other hand, was almost useless. I think Piers should enroll in "How Not to Be a Jerk 101," but otherwise he usually made the right point so he can stay. Third, expand the auditions to more cities (and hold them in the actual cities, if possible), and send more good acts through to a special round where the judges whittle them down to forty. The producers need not worry about copying American Idol, because they've done it so much already. Finally, expand the finals! Even if my finals ideas aren't implemented, at least add a few more weeks. All the e-mails I've received about it agree that there should be a final two with each act performing an hour-long show without hosts or judges. Of course, with commercials it might only be forty minutes long, but that's still about twenty-seven times the ninety-seconds we saw in this finale. There are a few other little bumps that need smoothing, but those are the most prominent. And whether the show implements them or not (I'm betting on not), I'll be back to recap when America's Got Talent returns in January. http://www.realitynewsonline.com/cgi-bin/ae.pl?mode=4&article=article6366.art&page=1